For when I am weak, then I am strong

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2011-08-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson, which is usually my music of confusion. I love her, but I usually listen to her most when I'm confused about things. I think it's generally because her lyrics at time seem...well, like she's lost and searching. While I feel comforted that I don't have these moments of searching for the meaning of life, I feel as though I often question the meaning of my life. How am I living at the moment and is my life and my relationships honoring the Lord? I have a lot of decisions to make and I pray the Lord gives me wisdom and strength to make God-honoring ones. That's it...but I will leave you with some Ingrid for the night <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Seoq-2kokuk

Finally I can see you crystal clear...

2011-07-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

It's so sad to see that the family unit has become so disgusting and unlike the created order. It makes me want to just give up on any hopes of having a normal family. I try so hard to make things right and yet, it does not seem to matter. I am just in this conundrum of when to say goodbye and give up. Anytime I try to make things work with my dad, I just feel like he does something stupid to mess it up and I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling frustrated and hurt and it seems to hurt less when we're not talking at all. It's so sad though because if I decide to not to forego the whole giving up on people, then, one day, as I get married, I will have no one to walk me down the isle. It's really quite tragic in that sense, but Oh well. What's a girl to do? It'd hard not having any men in my family that I would want to do that for me. At times like this, I just feel so discouraged.

Despite this, I am at peace. I know that this life is merely a mist and journey. I need to pray more, trust myself less and trust Him more...My Lord is a stronghold for His people and yet I often forget that. He is my Father and yet I forget to go to Him with my troubles at times like this. I read this devotion on prayer yesterday and was really convicted at my lack of prayer life.

Spurgeon writes:
"The fire must be kept burning on the alter continuously; it must not go out." Leviticus 6:13

"Keep the altar of private prayer burning. This is the very life of all piety. The sanctuary and family altars borrow their fires here, therefore let this burn well. Secret devotion is the very essence, evidence, and barometer, of vital and experimental religion.

Burn here the fat of your sacrifices. Let your closet seasons be, if possible, regular, frequent, and undisturbed. Effectual prayer availeth much. Have you nothing to pray for? Let us suggest the Church, the ministry, your own soul, your children, your relations, your neighbours, your country, and the cause of God and truth throughout the world. Let us examine ourselves on this important matter. Do we engage with lukewarmness in private devotion? Is the fire of devotion burning dimly in our hearts? Do the chariot wheels drag heavily? If so, let us be alarmed at this sign of decay. Let us go with weeping, and ask for the Spirit of grace and of supplications. Let us set apart special seasons for extraordinary prayer. For if this fire should be smothered beneath the ashes of a worldly conformity, it will dim the fire on the family altar, and lessen our influence both in the Church and in the world.

The text will also apply to the altar of the heart. This is a golden altar indeed. God loves to see the hearts of his people glowing towards himself. Let us give to God our hearts, all blazing with love, and seek his grace, that the fire may never be quenched; for it will not burn if the Lord does not keep it burning. Many foes will attempt to extinguish it; but if the unseen hand behind the wall pour thereon the sacred oil, it will blaze higher and higher. Let us use texts of Scripture as fuel for our heart's fire, they are live coals; let us attend sermons, but above all, let us be much alone with Jesus."

What a good reminder of the importance of prayer...

Contentment

2011-07-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about contentment the past few days and so I read a few verses that have really challenged me in my contentment.

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV);

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 cor 12:10

I am trying to be content in all of life's circumstances and yet it is so hard. I want to be able to be content because He will never leave me or forsake me, so why shouldn't I feel that way? The problem is my sinful nature, yet I am trying to learn to trust the Lord more and more each day. Life is an adventure and only a short time of trials when compared to the grand scheme of life, so I can easily be content in all circumstances when I see life in that light. May the LORD constantly remind me of this short mist of my life. May my life be to the praise of His glory.

Proverbs 31

2011-06-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have always loved the passage of Proverbs 31:10-31. It something that I desire to be. Oddly enough though, I'm not sure that I ever read the whole passage of Proverbs 31 from the beginning to better understand it's context. To me, at the time, it had always seemed like a simple section of wisdom, separated from all the other sections of wisdom. So, I have decided to do an intense study of Proverbs 31 to gain more insight to this section of wisdom literature. I decided to write it on here because I figure, maybe if I do, I will actually accomplish what I say I am going to do! What a concept!?! <3 So, off to find some resources and plug in brain power. I will try to examine one verse (at the very least, a night). I'm tired of reading and never meditating completely on God's Word, so this is a challenge for myself to grow in my knowledge and love of my Lord and Savior.

Letters of love

2011-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was searching for a commentary of mine when I came across a pile of old, unsent letters in a fragile, dusty drawer. These letters, some sealed and some not, were left unsent for several reasons. One, I simply forgot about, but the others I wrote to express my emotions but were never meant to be sent. I sat back and read them and reminisced on the emotion that I felt while writing the specific letter I would read. One after another revealed my deepest thoughts and desires on a sheet of paper...one in which would never be read by anyone but me.

Why did I even put so much effort and emotion into this if it were never meant to be read...but then again, why do I blog, when I don't promote myself to be read? I've discovered that I am a highly emotional person and while I hate that most about myself, I tend to keep my emotions in this very small box, until shortly, they are filled with so much emotion that it explodes. So, I write. I write and all the emotion that wells up in my chest and all the tears that fall upon my face are deeply expressed within my words. Words are a tricky thing though, mind you. They can expresses the deepest sincerity or the darkness and depravity of your heart. I've known my words, especially on paper, to have had a passionate impact and also to have had said things that, in the deepest sorrow, I regret after I expressed them.

These specific letters were to the man that I first loved. It was weird reading them again because all of the sorrow I had once felt and the anger I held inside at times, all came back, with the same knot in my throat and the same tears I was holding back. I was so in love. I look back at the words I wrote to this man and I feel jaded. I gave him so much of myself that I can never give back. Although not in a physical way, as an emotional girl, it felt the same. I felt as though I had freely given so much to him to only have my heart ripped from my chest and tossed amongst the other broken hearts of the world. I gave so much then that I feel like I have less to give now. I loved so easily then, that I feel like I don't love as easily now. Why does my heart do such a thing?

There is only one remedy to this broken heart of mine, it is the love letter that I have received not from a man who will only break my heart and fail me, but the love letter from a God who is all powerful, all knowing and all loving. Whose Hesed (or covenant faithful love) will never fail and will never change. "In this is love....NOT THAT WE LOVED GOD, BUT THAT HE LOVED US, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins". It's funny because this looks a little bit like my tragic love story. I loved someone so much that I gave so much, yet they never loved me in return. A big difference is that when I was not loved in return, I began hating, loathing and desiring that at least he not find anyone else. I loved, thinking that I was going to be loved in return. Christ loved knowing that the world would hate hit, loath him and spit on him, yet He still chose to die for His sheep and loved them despite their enmity.

I cannot say the same for myself. I cannot say that I have loved in that way, probably ever. When someone raises a hand to me, I am sad, angered and feel like it was unjust. Yet this is not how I should react. I need to love those who love me and love even my enemies, which is much harder. This brings me back to loving those whom have hurt me. I don't want to love my dad. I don't want to love Nate again (though I will not to that same degree) I don't want to love Kati. I don't want to love those whom have hurt me so badly that my heart feels suffocated. But Christ did, and I have been offended far less than He whom I have offended. How much more should I love those whom have committed but minor crimes against me, when I have committed adultery/idolatry and many more sins against the one whom loved and saved me. I feel like Isaiah in Isaiah 6. "Woe is me for I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips...", yet if you remember the passage, Isaiah was cleansed by the burning coals as a picture of atonement. May we as Christians never forget this and be constantly reminded how much we have been saved from and because of that, how we should love others in the same manner by which we have been loved.

Doreen Woodbridge

2011-05-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've been reading up on somethings lately and came across something about Doreen Woodbridge who was the wife of Charles Woodbridge who was J. Gresham Machen's mentor. If you know anything about me, you will know that J. Gresham Machen was the one who turned me onto a love for the Presbyterian church, which is why I went to one for a while. At any rate, the reason I write this is because I am inspired by her. She, at 88 years old, was a lover of truth and was saddened by the church today. She took James' plead for pure and undefiled religion and helped orphans and widows. She was a sinner, used by God to do great things. She lamented at the churches downhill battle away from truth of Christ being the center of our teaching and instead, in a last ditch effort to satisfy the communities desire, the church decided to talk about real things, like sex and marriage...forgetting Christ in it's midst. Christ was above all else, holy to her, and seeing the church demoralized in it's attempt to fit culture has made only trouble for modern society. Her wisdom surpasses all amounts of time.

"Her convictions defy everything that is temporary and fleshly. The gospel is the most “authentic” and relevant truth communicated to sinners, why line pure gold with gilded tin?" I see her godly life and I desire that I too would seek the purity of the gospel like she does. I yearn to be godly like she is. I yearn to be a strong woman who never wavers and is a pillar to her husband. I can't be that woman without the strength of the Lord and so I pray he grows me to be more godly and strong in Him so that I might influence my husband, who I pray will influence the world. I long to be a godly woman so that I can be an influence unto my husband, my children and whomever else the Lord grants me or my family contact with. It's sad to think that great people that God has been using through out the ages are becoming less and less, or so it seems. Where are the modern day Luther and Calvins? Where is the modern day Paul? Where is the modern day J. Gresham Machens? Where are the modern day wives that are supporting these men (Anna Bullinger, Anna Reinhard and Idelette D'Bure)? Well, Paul was single...but at any rate, I think it's time that our generation started acting like Christ and preserving His gospel! Praise God that no matter how wicked our world becomes, He will endure...His word will endure! Remember who you are in Christ and why we are here!

Identity Theft

2011-05-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

Identity: what is it? It’s who you are and how you characterize yourself. It’s a way in which you are known. It’s what makes you: you. The world tells us that our identity is either by being unique in our style or by being like everyone else, it’s in our friends, it’s in our lovers, it’s in how gorgeous or famous we become. If you asked people what there identity was, you would get a variety of answers such as: my identity is in my clothing style, it’s in what my boyfriend thinks of me, it’s what my family tells me I am or am not. Is this how we should be identified? I am here to tell you that that is a vain identity. As Christians, our identity is to be found in Christ and in Christ alone. I have said this and known this, but it’s sometimes hard to not get caught up in other ways in which we find our identity.
Lately, I have been seeing my depravity in how I have identified myself. I have identified myself in the failure that I am to my parents. I have identified myself as a girl who gets walked out on by her dad. I have identified myself as the girl that is impossible to loved. I have identified myself in my boyfriend and in every thought and action that could lead to what he thinks of me. I have identified myself in what he, his best friend and his parents think of me. I have identified myself as the ugly, fat girl that my brother had called me daily for years. I have identified myself in the words that have been used against me by my brother and dad. I have identified myself as the girl whom the guy she loved, would never want her. I have identified myself as never smart enough, pretty enough or lady-like enough. I have identified myself as not being able to get any of the jobs that I want because I will obviously never be able to help others, though that is my desire. I have identified myself in my sin. My American mindset has told me what James’ and my relationship should look like and friends and family have given their input. I have let these things dictate my relationship and in frustrating situations, turned something that was an American ideal into a problem in my relationship. If I don’t have X then Y must not be working. I have turned my relationships identity into self-centered and American-istic ideas. And because of all of this, I have identified myself as no good, not worth it, never going to be anything I want to be, inadequate to do anything I desire to do for the Lord and unable.
Pardon my language by what kind of shit is that? I have fed myself lies from the truth of events in my life. I have let my life and the people in it, dictate who I am today. I thought I was stronger than this and here’s the deal. I am NOT! I have identified the problem and the problem is in my identity and who I really am. I am redeemed! I am forgiven! I am seen in Christ’s righteousness! Colossians 2:6-15 reminds us of the danger of being identified by anything other than Christ and tells us who we are in Christ by saying,
Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority. In him also you were circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead. And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.
While I am not strong enough to do anything I desire to do and while I am still inadequate, since my identity is in Christ, I able to do all these things in Christ. He is strong and more than adequate and in Christ’s strength, I can be the woman I am supposed to be and do what I desire but can not adequately do on my own. In Christ’s righteousness, I can view myself so I can be a godly woman for the man I love and not the who I have been told I am or am not. I am not perfect, but can be seen as perfect in the sight of God because of Christ as my substitute. In Christ’s Fatherly care, I can trust he will NEVER leave me nor forsake me! In Christ’s love, I can know that he loved me first and chose me as his child. He chose me and died for me while I was still an enemy to Him. Christians “share in Christ's power and authority over every rule and authority by virtue of their union with him”. Since we are filled with Christ, we have everything we need in Him. I--have everything I need in Christ! I do not have to fear my inadequacies, I do not have to fear my abilities, I do not have to fear my outward person. I have been buried and raised with Christ on by the work of God in my life. I am dead to sin and alive to Christ. My sins were nailed to the cross as Christ’s palms bleed in my place. In Christ, we are more than conquerors.
Though most people may know this and may say, well, I already know this so it’s not helpful, I am going to take this one step further. How many times do we have to remind ourselves of our identity in Christ to remember our worth is found in Him? The same should be true of our thoughts of our brothers and sisters in Christ. I can’t tell you how many times I have been in the middle of or been a witness of lack of love for others. We know we are called to love our brothers and sisters and even our enemies, but have we thought about the fact that our fellow Christians have also been clothed in Christ’s righteousness, they are buried and raised in Christ. They are cared for by His Fatherly care....all just as I am.
Being in a relationship with someone completely sinful as me is NOT easy and sometimes makes me mad. Learning to love another person who will let you down is not easy. Instead of seeing all of James’ faults, I need to see my own first and further more, I need to see James in Christ’s righteousness. I remember the first time he said that to me, I was amazed. He said,
"I am so thankful that the Lord has given me you. And while you are so beautiful just as a saint and who the Lord has crafted you to be, you are all the more beautiful to me because you are a gift, a very special gift to me from a most holy God. You can try and tell me how terrible you are and whatever other excuse you can come up with. But I will not see you as that. The Lord sees you clothed in the righteousness of Christ and so to if my Lord sees you that way so too that is the way i see you. I hope you know that and you believe that. I won't do it perfectly by any means but one of my life goals will be to do that more and more. You are special to me and the greatest earthly the Lord could bestow upon me."
His words and this reminder left me feeling so amazed that another sinner would try his earthly best to see me the same way Christ sees us both. I never thought of it that way until he said it and as I thought about how much I have lost my identity, his words and remarks have rung in my ears. I have forgotten to see myself this way and I have forgotten to see him this way. I have lost sight of what it means to be a Christian and in that, who I am. I pray that I would be constantly reminded of my freedom in Christ and my clothes of righteousness that have been placed upon my previously unworthy self. I have gained everything in Christ and yet, by losing my identity, I had lost sight of everything that had been given to me. BUT I will never lose what our great Lord has chosen to give me...the gift of salvation.

So, here’s me...admitting my mistakes and showing my sinfulness, but thank God for his grace and forgiveness! The key now is to look to Christ, the founder and perfecter of our faith:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.
(Hebrews 12:1-17 ESV)

This weakness I feel, I must finally show...

2011-05-18T22:58:00.001-07:00

I'm so discouraged by so many things right now. How do you know when the person you're supposed to be with forever is the person you're with? How do you live like the Christian you should be, when you're too worried about everything to be that person? How do you know where to go when no doors are opening but you can't stay where you are?!

I feel so misunderstood at times. I think becuase I am an emotional person, non emotional people don't understand me at all. I try not to let me emotions overcome me, but there are times that I just feel so strongly about something that I just can't contain myself. My mom never understood why I wanted to be a missionary and talked me out of it. I went to school for her liking and found myself in an unhappy state of feeling like I wasn't doing what I felt called to do. I have always felt different...from the time I was little. I never wanted to do normal things. I worried from 2nd grade about the man I would marry and told my mother I would become a missionary. To this day, I worry about the man I will marry, and still yearn to do mission work. In my un happy state of schooling I decided I needed to be a missionary and in order to be effective...I decided to go to school for Bible and Theology training. My mother did not understand and I remember her telling me it wasn't a good idea while I sat there crying saying I just can't stand doing anything else with my life. My heart hearts so bad when I'm not doing what I want to be doing. If you have ever broken up with someone you love or lost a loved one to death, you know this ache in my hear that I talk about. The same way I felt about losing the first man I loved and the same pain I felt after my grandmother who was more like a mother to me, is the same pain I feel when I'm not doing ministry and feel like I am just going through the motions of an everyday life. Maybe that's weird and I don't like that I feel that way, but my heart hurts and feels like it's in my throat when I am not doing that.

Right now I feel like life is at a loss. I am at Starbucks and just waking up, going to work, making dinner, looking for jobs, going to bed...and then I wake up and do the same thing over again. Most people are okay with this kind of thing, but like I said...I am NOT normal....never have been and never will be. I never wanted a normal job. I can barely stand being in a normal job. The Lord is sustaining me so much right now because I am doing really well considering! I know it's only be his strength and mercy...so praise him for that, but seriously, I don't know that I will last much longer.

I need to trust that the Lord will either provide a job for me in Chicago or that he will give me the strength to keep going, but I'm just not sure that that is what I believe right now. Instead, I am very negative. For some reason I have it in my head that the Lord does not and will not provide for me, so don't expect anything. It's a sinful defense mechanism that I use so that I don't get hurt anymore. Sometimes I envy people who grew up in great families. They don't have the issues like I have damn it! I feel like a freak of nature.

It's funny because if you see my blog posts from Dec-Jan...I was like, "Here's my new years resolution: trust God"...and freaking I suck SO bad at it Already. I swear, anytime I pray for the lord to work in me in a certain area, I freaking am slammed in that area of my life and epically fail. I think it's to show that the surpassing power belongs to Him and not me, but unfortunately I feel like my life is just a let down and not showing Gods power because i just suck so bad. I have been having a hard time even bringing myself to open up his word because I feel like I am so epically failing everything that He has done and accomplished. But that's just it...he's done everything and accomplished it all. Not my works...His. Not my failures and sinfulness, but his Hesed and perfection. May his grace and peace rest upon my sinful self.

I pray for grace and peace...

How well do you know me?

2011-05-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

“How well do you know me?”

I really must ask.

I sat behind you

Everyday in class.

We were friends from the start,

We laughed and we cried.

But now that you hold my heart,

I feel like we’ve died.

Do you really know who I am?

My thoughts? My dreams?

You know that I don’t like ham

And I sit and day-dream.

That I don’t like decisions

And I wear sweaters too.

But do you know my hearts vision?

And what makes me blue?

Do you know what makes me tick?

And why my heart aches when

I do jobs I wouldn’t pick?

My heart’s always been unlike others

I’ve always been different

But will it be okay that I’m not like your mother?

You’ve stopped asking me questions of who I am

Just assuming you knew me, but I’m not a lamb.

You said it didn’t matter who I was,

But you don’t understand

That who I was is why I am

The crazy woman who’s picture you hold in your hand.

My heart yearns for things you don’t understand

But you’re never asked so that you may understand

You just brush it off as a silly thing

But sometimes I feel like a puppet on a string.

I’m scared to say that I don’t think you know,

Me or my thoughts at all anymore

You know me as your friend and your lover too

But honestly what does that even mean to you?

Do we love and cherish to know

The hearts of the hands that we both hold?

My heart questions, what is love

If all it is, is that our hands fit like a glove.

If my heart were to break if we moved somewhere

Would you care or just further your career?

My hearts in the city and yours is in the country

Are our hearts in dichotomy or is this just bigotry?

I want us to work, I want us to mesh

But I can’t make it happen when our hearts a thresh.

If you wanted to know me, you simply would ask

the questions of why I feel joy in the city

why I always need a task or

why flowers or a city make my heart giddy.

Do you not care to know:

why I love hot air balloons so?

Or care to even figure out the more complex;

Like how we will work with our passions that are perplex?

How well do you know me?

I must confess

This was never a question I wanted to ask.

Maybe we need to grow and mature,

So that our hearts can truly love one another.

Maybe then, if we’re meant to be,

Our hearts will once again find each other

And I will not question you and me.

How well do you know me? I really must ask

Because I ask the same question right back.

How well do I know you?

I thought I knew everything until I questioned it of you.

Wretched [wo]man that I am!

2011-04-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am constantly amazed at the love of my heavenly Father! And by constantly, I mean I forget so often that when I am reminded, I am completely amazed and in awe! I feel like a failure more often than not and yet my God has not given up on me when I have lost all hope in Him. His nail pierced hands never left me, even while I whore after things that will never satisfy. I fins my self constantly amazed at how much of an idiot I am. I spent two years, three loans and countless nights up late to complete a Bible and Theology degree and I still feel like I am so forgetful and inconstant in my trust in my Lord! Seriously, I think I secretly figured that after this that I would be perfect...or at least have life all figured out...UM...that is FALSE! haha. I think I am more confused now than when I began. BUT, in a good way. Before, I was lost and did not care if I sinned and didn't really know much about Christianity's true essence and was merely living out an emotional faith....hence the need for a Providence education. It was a make or break of my faith. Praise God for it making my only love Him more and see my sins more often. The problem is that since I see my sins so clearly, I have a hard time speaking truth to myself. Instead, I tell myself lies that because of my imperfections, I could not possibly be a good christian, if a Christian at all...or God could NOT possibly love me in my sinful acts against his holy nature....or no one human could possibly love this messed up person, both inside and out. I am finding that my lies are causing quite a bit of a mess, yet the struggle to seek Truth is an encouraging one. He will NEVER fail me and the Bible is His way of saying that I need to remember it's truths...not my lies. On top of that, my boyfriend is just such an amazing godly guy that I have been so blessed by. His unfailing love for me (despite my many attempts to tell him that he didn't have feelings for me or that he could not possibly love me or that he shouldn't even if he did...because I am far too messed up) has been such a testimony of Christ's love for me...unrelenting and unconditional. His example to me has only lead me to tears thinking of how despite my sinful, whoring life, my LORD loved me..."In this is love, not that we loved God, but that HE loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins!"...and "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us". How great is our God? I am constantly amazed at His love and hope and pray that as God grows me in this extremely painful time, that my discipline is for His glory and that it would "yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness" because of it's training done to me through it. Praise be to God the Father!

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." ~ 1 Peter 1:3-7

For the first time

2011-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget how difficult life and love is...and I just want to give up. How can someone love me? But, I was reminded by someone who is awfully special to me...that Christ loved us and we don't understand why, but He does...and he says that the same is true of him to me. I don't know why he loves me, but He does. Love is hard and we're told that all the time, but you don't realize it until you are in the middle of it, fighting for the life or death of it. It's work, but it's work that is worth it. I love this song by the Script. Even though I know its not a religious song or anything, I just think it was just a reminder to me that things are hard and will be hard, but it can work and when we try...we can make things work. The fortunate thing that this song doesn't talk about is the hope that James and I have in Christ and if we look to Him, we can make it work when times are hard :) Praise God for his Hesed (covenant faithful love)! I am so blessed to be loved by such an incredible man and to have not only his love, but the love of Christ...and my man loves the Lord more than me, which is so encouraging! I pray we always keep that focus!

Dancing in the Minefields

2011-02-07T18:05:00.000-08:00

The battlefield of the heart is a messy one. I have reservations for love and relationships and struggle to be the woman I want to be to the man I am dating. I feel like there are so many things that should keep us apart and yet, in God's Providence, we are together. But, in being together, I find it hard than I dreamed. Half of my heart wants to hold nothing back and to just love him, but the other half just wants to know if this love is true and different than others.

I pray that as our relationship grows, we will learn to love in a Christ-like manner. That we will learn to love each other in a self-sacrifice, faithful way. It's funny because this song is like our anthem I think :) We were 19 and 21 when we met and I am older than him, just like the song :) Not to mention the date on the video is my birthday and these are the same struggles we face, yet we have the reminder of the Son of Man who came so that we may not not fear, if we keep him our center :) His promises are true!

I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields (Don't give up on me)
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin

'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow-lands
Till the shadows disappear

'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you :)

So, let's go dancing in the minefields,
let's go sailing in the storms,
Let's go dancing in the minefields
and kicking down the doors!
Oh, this is harder than we dreamed,
but I believe, that's what the promise is for...

Blessed Beyond Belief :)

2011-01-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

I just want to shout on the rooftops that I have the best boyfriend ever and that I am so madly falling for him and that he is the best thing that God has given...asides from the gift of salvation which brought me into relationship with God...that gift is insurpassable!!!! It's funny because I always think, what will people think of us? Am I falling for him too soon? and ask all of these useless questions but, I know he is just the most wonderful boyfriend and friend for me!!! :) It doesn't matter if people think we're crazy because God has specially and providentially put us together for now and I can only hope for much longer :) I am truly blessed

:) I am blessed :)

2011-01-14T00:19:00.000-08:00

I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL EVER...AND HAVE THE MOST AMAZING BOYFRIEND EVER!! :) I just needed to share that! I think he's just amazing and Godly and Best friend I could have :) He was NOT in my plans, I never expected it, but I am grateful for him and glad God has him in my life :) :) :) The best plans are the unplanned ones :) God is so GOOD :)

Happy New Year

2011-01-05T00:15:00.001-08:00

First blog of the year! YAY! And it's not on NY resolutions...rather, it is a clippling from an article online about surrendering to God and trusting Him:

Our instincts tell us that turning the other cheek is stupid, but this is what Christ preached. He did not teach that we were meant to conquer others—be they radical Islamists, or gay activists, or evangelical atheists—but that we were to conquer ourselves, and in so doing, bring others into surrender by our own humble example of submission to his Will.

That, of course, means trust; the toughest nut for all Christians. It is hard to trust him, when we have our world before our eyes, but only once we trust him can be surrender ourselves to him in a way that might change the world.

Christianity is a blood religion, like Judaism, and like Islam. But it's not the spilling of other’s blood that matters. The early martyrs died for their beliefs, but not in an effort to control others. Their trust in Christ, their surrendering to him ending (as they knew it would) in the shedding of their blood, ultimately turned hearts and minds in another direction, toward a horizon marked by the cross.

The only power resides is in the spilling of Christ’s blood, and ours for his sake.

For his sake. Not for ours; not even for our civilization's. The civilization—-and indeed the American Exceptionalism characterized by “baseball, Mom, Chevrolet, and apple pie,” that helped to bring the West to its culmination—is already on the wane. Baseball has been corrupted, motherhood has been redefined, Chevrolet is a shadow of itself; all we may soon be left with is apples we may not eat.

You can read the rest of it here

Now that this has been said, I guess I can take back what I said earlier about this not being a New Years resolution, because the more I think about it, the more I realize, this is my ONE New Years resolution to surrender all to Christ and trust Him. I'm tired of making so many New Year resolutions and accomplishing only a few or maybe even none. So, this year I am limiting it to one and I know I will fail at it, but it's okay because I am going to keep surrendering all to Him with His help :)

Happy New Year :)

I'm Giving it my ALL!

2010-12-30T01:09:00.000-08:00

I am tired of living with guards up. I am tired of being safe and secure. Everything inside of me is calling out to get out of my comfort zone. To be BOLD. To live a life without regrets! WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!?! I am scared of failing. I scared of doing something too dangerous. I am scared of the unknown. I don't trust God enough. I am convicted by the question: In the medium of trusting, is there ever a time at which you can kind of trust someone? I feel like it's either, you trust someone or you don't. So, if that's the case, I admitted to myself tonight I don't trust God enough...but is there an enough button where as soon as I trust God enough, I'm okay? Where does this enough lie? Shouldn't I trust God with my everything? Every part of my being should cry out...I trust God. Look at His faithfulness in Abraham, Moses, David, Ruth, Esther. The list goes on and on. From just those examples I should be convicted to trust!

BUT I FREAKING FAIL! I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT! I am a wretched, wretched woman and part of me feels like just giving up...but instead I will take the only other option...I will give it my all. God deserves my every bit of my and deserves nothing less than 100%. I know I will fail, but I will persevere and work on my failures with God because apart from Christ, I am NOTHING. I still can't see why God chose me of all people to be His. WHY ME? I can't handle thinking God, who is a Spirit, infinite, eternal, and unchangeable, in his being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice, goodness, and truth...would choose me. None of that is close to who I am and a God so perfect as that deserves only perfection. I praise God for the gift of His Son and trust me, I am forever grateful, but why me? It is a mystery...the depths of the riches, the wisdom and knowledge of God, how unsearchable His ways.

God make me more like you in every way. Help me keep in step with the Spirit so that I may not gratify the desires of the flesh. Help me see my sin and repent of it. Give me a humble heart that is willing to admit my sin and repent of it. Help me to trust that you will help me in whatever you have for me in my life. In my weakness you display your power. Please make me weak. Please put me in a situation to trust you fully. God you are great and mighty is your name in ALL the earth. Nations lay prostrate before you. The earth calls out because of your glory. Help the people to see your glory and holiness. Convict your people that we may serve you in a manner worthy of you. It is only by your name that I am saved. You will be who you will be for you are the I AM. You are sovereign over all and remind your people of that. My tears flow as I see the misery I cause. If I knew how much my sins and lack of holiness pained you, I would not do it so. Help me to understand. Teach me to love your law and to take to heart the importance of prayer. Your holiness overwhelms me for I am so wretched. Your sovereignty overpowers me for I am so indecisive and so weak. Your glory overcomes me for I am so small and insignificant. Teach me to have a heart that longs only for you. Teach me to trust your plans and take me to levels of extreme uncomfortableness. I yearn to follow hard after you.

On a side note. I prayed a few years back that God would make me like Paul and use me in amazing ways. I should have specified that I didn't want to be single like Paul, but I guess I forgot. In all this drama of life, I think it might be best for me to remain single. I cannot see, at this point, how a man would not distract me from God and how even if it didn't, I cant see how more heartache seems necessary. Since I know God is in control, I will let Him handle that one while I seek Him and try to find out how I can best serve Him. So, I am going to be giving it me all! Help me to succeed God.

Sleepless nights, random thoughts and a Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T02:27:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Christmas Eve, well I guess day now, and once again, I cannot sleep. If you know me, you might know that this happens to me often. Unfortunately I over think, over analyze, over do my thought life. I cannot put my mind to bed despite how tired my body is. Whether it's over a crisis in jobs, school (which is no longer :)!!), life at home or love...my mind blows up when I am by myself and most irritatingly wanders miles from my nice warm bed. Life has been more confusing lately, be it friends, lack of direction and a fear of being home forever. It's finally happened to me...I mean I have been really good at being content in my singleness and have been single for nearly 2.5 years now! BUT, it has finally happened...I want kids. I want a husband (not in that order ;). I want a family and desire so much to be a wife and mom (in that order ;). As much as I want this, I am trying not to let my emotions take control of me. When I fall, I fall hard and I don't want to fall hard for the wrong person. I don't want to put my love into someone's hands who can so easily crush it. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think I have a fear of relationships. Between my parents broken relationship and my one love breaking my heart, I have nothing let to give my future husband as far as trust goes. My mom didn't think my dad would do the things he did and look what happened! I thought I gave my heart to someone who would care for it...and look how that turned out! I don't always understand how to feel about my lack of trust. I feel like as soon as I decide to trust people, something goes wrong and I regret it. I wish I weren't so broken in this area of my life because it is something I am most passionate about. LOVE. It's so beautiful and yet so extremely painful. Why do we put ourselves through the emotion of love? Darn those romantic movies that cause all these emotions for me! The Holiday was the one that did me in tonight...Oh, a Christmas love story :) Not :P It's a reality of the love I long for. "I have found almost everything written about love to be true, Shakespeare said, 'Journey's end in lovers meeting' Oh, what an extraordinary thought!...I suppose I think about love more than anybody should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power to alter and define our lives." And these are the words, accompanied by the story, that lead me to think about love and my desire for it tonight, probably because I mimic the narrators thought life about love.

Despite this, the only thing I can think now though is about God's love. Man's love will only fail. BUT In God's perfect love, he sent Christ, whom we celebrate today. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us and we celebrate it on this blessed day. As I think about this, I am getting teary eyed. I am sitting here writing about failed love relationships and lack of trust, when my God sent His Son whom was fully God and added 100% humanity to his divinity...to die for me. On top of that, it wasn't because I was perfect that He died. He died for me while I was whoring my heart after idolatrous things. Why am I so wretched and desiring more than what God has already granted me? Why must I seek after a love that will only fail, when His love is given to me and shown through this miraculous day of His birth and revealed fully in His death, resurrection and ascension!!! Don't get me wrong, love on this earth is not wrong...It's beautiful, but should it be coveted and cause a sadness that seems overwhelming? I think not. I think that is when we must yearn all the more strongly after our God and Savior! Our relationship with God is truly the ONLY love story we need in our lives. I just read a verse in Habakkuk that says, “What profit is an idol when its maker has shaped it, a metal image, a teacher of lies? For its maker trusts in his own creation when he makes speechless idols! Woe to him who says to a wooden thing, Awake; to a silent stone, Arise! Can this teach? Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver, and there is no breath at all in it. But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him.” I am convicted that I treat earthly love as idol worship. I pray that I will be married someday, but if it makes my heart whore after a mere man and fall from my God, than I pray it does not. As much as I don't want to say that, I know I need to because I want my treasure to be my God, not my man on earth who will fail, who will die and who cannot be everything to me. He will be silent just as the idols in Habakkuk. He will not answer my need because He is not God, but mere wooden idol. Oh may I never fall to that and that, rather I would fear God first and foremost!

It's funny how often we forget this...I mean I just wrote about a paper on Love in John and wrote these similar things...But do you see me starting off this blog with the understanding of completeness that we have in the love of Christ? No. Sometimes I wonder why I even graduated. I don't feel like I know enough to be graduated in Bible and Theology. I think it should be a 30 year requirement in the study of the Bible in order to graduate...haha. I joke about it, but part of me is serious. I mean if I can't remember daily the simplicity of the Love of God and the completeness given in that love...How am I going to teach others that? How am I going to minister to other people in need that completeness is found only in Him if I am seeking a husband? Well, I will answer that...and it will only be by the grace of God. I am sinful...in case you hadn't read my blog before and been able to understand that ;) But God's power is manifested in my weakness so I only pray that God would be glorified in my weakness and that He would remind me of His love and completeness of that love.

Praise God for this lovely Christmas day in which Jesus was born. For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given! Praise God! Merry Christmas :)

Here's my "All you need is Love" paper that I wrote last week...just some scripture to remind us of His love. In case anyone is interested and needs encouragement :)

All You Need Is Love

John is a book rich with all types of imagery and complex topics of light and darkness, but it is also a book that contains a lot of vital information on biblical love. How much do we really know about love? The popular phrase in society is “All you need is love”. If all we need is love, we need to understand the kind of love that is spoken of in the Bible, rather than relying on the implications of a postmodern love. Love is found 39 times throughout the book of John. It has several different usages throughout the book, but the three primary uses of love are in the context of how the Father loves the Son, God’s love for His people and our love in response to the love we are shown. John shows a perfect example of what love should look like in our lives because of God’s perfect love in sending His only Son as a ransom for His people.

Love that is characterized as the Father’s love for the Son is found in numerous passages. John 3:35 says that since the Father loves the Son, He has given everything to Him. This refers to the authority of Christ both in Heaven and on earth. John 5:20 tells us that the Father loves the Son and in doing so, He reveals that the work He does and it is powerful in lives of both His Son and the people. In return, we are to marvel at the work done. We are also told in John 10:17 that the Father loved the Son because of the act of redemption that He accomplished. Not only does the Father love the Son, but the Son, in return loves the Father. We see this in John 14:31 when Jesus says that he died, as the Father willed, so that he may show the world the kind of love that He has for the Father. This is to be a model for us as believers as we will see later.

Not only is there a mutual love between the first and second persons of the Trinity, but this love was made manifest among God’s people. The popular verse, John 3:16, tells us that the Father loved sinful humanity, no longer just the Jew, but also the Gentile. He loved them so much that he gave His Son as a gift unto those whom He chose, which was the redemption and propitiation for our sins. In this, the gift of eternal life was given unto God’s elect. The Father loves those whom love Jesus because in loving and believing in the name of Jesus, they also love the Father (John 16:27). In John 17:23, Jesus says,

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me

Christ gave us the Spirit so that we might be united with Christ, just as Christ is with God. In doing this, Christ’s love was displayed unto His people so that God the Father’s love may also be displayed unto them as well. Because of the Father’s love, we received His glory, which is Christ. This act was to show that Jesus was God made manifest in the ultimate act of love, which was death for a sinful remnant. God loves us the same way in which He loved Christ.

Because of the Father’s love for us in sending Christ, we are told that we are to go and do likewise. It is in John that we find the new command to love others with the same love that God loved us. People will know by this love that we are born of God (John 13:34-5). John 14:21 says, “Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” If we obey the commandments, which boil down to loving God and loving others with the same love of Christ, He will reveal himself to us. When we recognize Christ as the only way to the Father and the only one who could atone for our depraved lives, the Father and the Son will love us. In this love, Christ reveals Himself and makes His dwelling in us through the Spirit (John 14:23). We are told that we are to abide in His love since His love abides in us (John 15:9). If we love the Son, we will listen to Him and obey His commands. More than just loving the Father, we will love others. Though it seems basic to love other people, to love people the way God loved us is not any easy task. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends”. Christ models the greatest love in His death. We are told that we too are to model this type of love, which is dying to ourselves, and taking up our cross in suffering so that others may have life. If we love Him, we are told that we will follow in His lead to love others so that His love may be made manifest unto the lost. We have to follow his model and keep his commandments. We love God if we love our neighbor. Our affections and where we put our heart, is what we need to be careful of. This reflects the love we are to have for God and it should be an exclusive love.

The Old Testament is also surrounded by the theme of love. In Genesis 22:2, God told Abraham, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” This was a type to show God’s love for His people, enough to send His own son, whom he loved, to be a propitiation for our sins. God tested Abraham and provided a worthy sacrifice to take the place of Isaac, but this was a type of what God was ultimately going to do in the future by sending His only Son, whom He loved, to provide a way to salvation for His people. In Isaiah 54:10 and 55:3, God says that His hesed will not leave us and His covenant of shalom will always remain with us. God made a covenant with man that He will never break, though we could never meet the standard, which is why He sent His Son. His covenant is one of faithful love that is sure, for His people. It was in love and pity that He saved us (Is. 63:9). Malachi 1:2-5 also explains the Lord’s love for Israel, showing His faithfulness in their history. In Exodus 20:6, we are told that His Hesed is shown to those who keeps His commands, which follows the later command in John to do so. Not only does He love us, but we are told to love Him. In the Shemah (Deut 6:4-5), we are told that because the Lord God is the one true God, we are to love Him with everything we have and not follow after idols. Leviticus 19:18 tells us that we are to love our neighbor as we would love ourselves because I AM. Because He is the I AM who is holy, we are called to live lives of holiness as well. Though we will never met the standard, we are still called to love, just as He, I AM, chose to love.

This is very relevant to the reformed worldview because when we look at God’s love, we realize that it is a love that is given only to His people. While many believe God’s love is extending to all people and all people can choose to come to Christ, we can see, by tracing love throughout Scripture that God’s love is meant for those who are His people. God sent His Son whom He loved to redeem the people that He loved, but if He loved all people, then the Son would have accomplished redemption for all people. Instead, understanding His love in light of the doctrine of election in reformed theology can help us see why God’s love is displayed only to those whom He chose. In election, God’s sovereignty is displayed as in the Exodus, I AM title. By being I AM, He is showing His sovereign choice to be who he will be and save those whom he will save. The reformed doctrines of election and sovereignty are shown explicitly throughout scripture in God’s love.

Love is a very relevant topic to my own life and my own struggles of love. I find that as I write this paper, my love is very weak compared to the love that I am called to give. Love should be dying to ourselves, living for Christ and seeking love and shalom for others, yet I find myself, at times, loving things of this world too much to love in the holy manner by which I am called. I am convicted that I do not love God enough, nor do I love my brothers and sisters enough. At times, my view of love gets skewed and the only love I can imagine is one on a silver screen. This love is a flawed and idolatrous view of love. When reflecting on the love of Christ, I am convicted to see this as my model for love because our postmodern view of love is not a love of completeness, but rather leaves one empty and relying merely on others and our own strength. In Biblical love, we see that the only way we are able to love is because He first loved us (1 john 4:12). Because of the love He showed to us, we should, in return love others in a similar manner, so as to produce fruit in our lives and strive for a life of holiness. We are called to be holy and to love, just as God is holy and loved us. If our love is like for God and others mimicked Christ, then, I guess all we need is that kind of love.

Life is an Adventure!

2010-12-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

So, I am so excited to see this next step that God will take me on. Although I am uneasy as to where it is going...as far as relationships with people, jobs, etc., I am ready to start being excited rather than over thinking and worrying. You see, I tend to not want to mess up and make a bad decision, so I tend to think things through too much and I am pretty closed off to relationships. I get so confused and just tend to shut down. I don't want to do this anymore. I looked back at a photo album today and thought about the amazing times I have had in life. I want to continue those moments...I don't want to look back and think that I ruined so many moments because of my indecisive, scared, pout-y, over thinking self. It's going to be hard, but that's when I need to understand trust in God and know He will see me through because He has planned my life out for me. Therefore, I need not worry because each step I have taken thus far has been in His Fatherly hands and planned for me and is already determined for me in the future too :) How exciting! Now, to see where God takes it! "Here am I Lord, send me"... I want to follow you :)

AhhhhHHHHHhhhhhh~ I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!! :D

Raindrops in the Night

2010-12-21T00:52:00.000-08:00

I can hear the raindrops, ever so heavily drop down to the ground as I lie here trying to sleep. It's a beautiful sound...the sound of rain splashing into a flooded ground. It brings up memories of ultimate sadness and memories of joyful abode. It brings about utter happiness with it's expression of freedom and also immense sadness as it cries out its loud and longing tears. I feel the pain of the rain and want to unload my heavy laden tears with her, but one of us must be strong. Since she has chosen her way, I too will choose mine. I choose to be strong and to hold back my tears while the raindrops of love passover me in a flood of chaos. Should I mourn as she mourns or should I impart my feelings with the hope of a better outcome? Should I joyfully approach the rain...without boots, umbrella or mittens? Should I splash about amongst her flooded streets to make the most of this saddened heart? How must one approach the storm of one's life? Though at first it may include mourning with the rain, one must learn to dance joyfully with it so that others too may join. The puddles and floods from the rain can only be overcome when one takes a splash into them. Despite this, if only it were easier to not mourn with the rain...

Giving Up

2010-12-20T21:14:00.001-08:00

It's kinda funny how I feel as though I have grown a lot in certain areas of my life, like trusting God with jobs, school, etc, but when it comes to relationships...I fail miserably at trusting God. Why is that? I wish I could just trust completely with that area of life, but I don't. Anytime anything comes up, I run away in a fright. I feel like Ingrid Michaelson's song..."Giving Up".

But as much as I want to Give Up...I shall not. I have too much to live for. Not a man, but God. If He provides a man in that equation, I would be ecstatic, but if not, I will live content and in praise of my AWEsome redeemer :)

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered!

2010-11-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a Christian and dying a daily death and as I sit here, trying to do homework, Pandora decided to play "Sweetly Broken" which talks about the cross beckoning us to come to our knees and surrender to Him. More than this, we too are called to the cross. To lives that are uncomfortable and may lead us to physical pain and death, BUT lead to eternal life...a great dichotomy! The love of Christ is seen by others only when we too love as Christ did: by sacrificing ourselves so that others may have life. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. Christ died for his people and we too are called to die to ourselves so that others might have life! Sacrificing in this life is nothing compared to the glory of being with our Heavenly Father and understanding, finally, truly understanding what His love and jealousy is all about...TRULY understanding that our whoring hearts, our idol factories could not behold His glory...It is only through Christ. Only through His love! WHY CAN'T I DAILY UNDERSTAND THIS! ARG! I am so amazed by God's love and His vast array of glory and yet, pray that my amazement would continue and not fade away with the days as it tends to!

Prayer and Luther

2010-11-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

For about a week now, I have been very convicted with my prayer life. I pray, but when I honestly look at my life I wonder if I were really convicted in the nature of prayer if I would pray more. I don't know how many times I have told people I would pray for them and then I would either forget or pray once and never again. I think if I fully understood the power of prayer. I have eternal life and therefore, I should be confident in my prayers. 1 John talks about the confidence we can have in prayer. Because of this confidence in prayer we know God can use us and our prayers to bring others back, away from sin and even for times of trouble. God uses our prayers to give them life. We can pray in confidence. God will bring people to repentance through our prayers. Beyond the fact that it can lead to repentance in others lives, our prayers are heard by God because of the Holy Spirit and we are given this gift through Christ. Sometimes we take it for granted when we read promises of prayers in Scripture…Prayer is for praying that you know what God has promised us… the Holy Spirit is a blessing from the Holy Spirit. He will give the Holy Spirit for those who ask him (Luke 11, 18). The church too, The word is the means of grace and the preaching of it can help us in discouragement. We get grace through this. When other believers encourage us, God is ministering to us through them. Faith—we need to actually trust God for this! We are asking and trusting that God is going to do what he has promised to do. You have to read with understanding to put your trust in the promises. Applying yourself to study.

So, now that I've shared my thoughts on prayer, I will share my story of Luther. Today I met Luther, a man who was maybe about 40, had at least two kids, had just gotten out of jail 3 weeks ago and whose daughter was murdered today. I met him as he walked into the library today and asked if there was a pastor around. I tried to find one for him and couldn't so I asked what he needed. He told me that he needed to talk to and pray with somebody because his 14 year old baby girl had been shot and killed by a gang banger. Being a former gang member himself, I'm sure this hit home and killed him slowly inside. Being in the state of shock that I was, I apologized and didn't know what to say. How do you console a man about God's Sovereignty when his baby girl died of a gunshot wound from a Gang? How do you share the gospel with a man who's life has just been turned upside down? How do you say anything that is comforting to a man who is seemingly not a Christian and is seeking merely to be counseled so that he may not do something he regrets, as he told me. What that means, I do not know, but I pray for Luther. My soul felt like the Psalmist in Psalm 42 saying, "Why are you downcast, O my soul?" I felt this burden raise over me and this weight just slowly weigh me down. Why must we be so depraved? Why must we sin against God and man as innocent lives are taken? I think the only hope I have is "O death, where is your victory, O death where is your sting". Christ has overcome death and Praise God for that. I am so humbled by the cross, accomplishing victory over death, for sinful human beings such as myself. I look at this world and am so depressed by it's sinful deceits and self desires and can't help but desire for this lost world to know and seek God. I feel so inadequate to do so though. I feel like I barely helped Luther today if I did at all, but now all I can do is pray. I can only pray that Luther sees God in all of this and believes. I pray a seed is planted. "I believe; help my unbelief"

This is for all the hopeless romantics out there :)

2010-11-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

Train has out a new song called, "Marry Me"...and I find it to be an absolutely beautiful song :) I picture myself laying outside under the stars with the man I love and then he asks me to dance, while there's no music at first, music starts playing and he asks me those four little words that every girl wishes to be asked "Will you marry me?" :)

In scenario 2, I picture myself driving down the highway, listening to this song on a beautiful day with the windows rolled down and with the man I love when we see a field of flowers and we stop. We are walking in them and there is nothing around for miles, except for the flowers that we are standing in the midst of. I'm wearing a white dress and yellow cardigan and he just kneels down unexpectedly...and, okay, I've gone too far! :)

Oh man, I am WAY to much of a hopeless romantic, but oh well, one day I will have my dream man, Lord willingly, and although life will not be perfect, I will do my best to be an amazing wife, while he "wears out the words, I Love You and your beautiful" :)

Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now, we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way

Marry me today and every day
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you
And you're beautiful

Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way

Marry me today and every day
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will

Promise me you'll always be happy by my side
I promise to sing to you when all the music dies

And marry me today and everyday
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will marry me

I have quit my acting career!

2010-08-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Most of you did not know that I was an actress did you? I have been acting for...oh several years now. I mainly do drama. In these dramas, I normally play the victim. It's a very intriguing role, but I am done acting. I am getting kind of sick of it. I have decided that I hate acting actually. In case you haven't already gathered, this role that I play isn't on a big screen or even in home movies...it is in my own story called life. This hasn't been an easy thing to admit and maybe it's easy to admit because I know no one reads my blog or maybe it's just because writing it down tends to make it more real for me. When I actually write, it's like my soul is being transparent and I can actually admit to myself that I am messed up. I have secret sins, as we all do, and the other day I wrote it down in a prayer and instead of writing, "and for that one sin, you know I struggle with Lord..." I said it. I named my sin. It was like looking it in the face and seeing the evil that lied on that little paper in that one word. Now, when I had sinned before, this sin didn't seem "that bad" but as I placed it on this piece of paper in a prayer that I was writing to my Holy Heavenly Father, I sat their in disgust and could barely finish. It's interesting how something so little such as writing it on a piece of paper could put things into such a different perspective. It was as though my closet sins weren't that bad until I brought them out for my Holy God to see, knowing that Christ was sent to the cross because of that. I only wish that because of that experience, I would never sin again.

As I said before, I am an actress. I think I am as good as the first actress ever: Eve! As she and Adam sinned they hid and acted as though they could fool God and hid! Ridiculous, right?! Well, I do the same thing. One sin I realized recently that I struggle with is one of my main roles: The Victim. I have played this role for far too long because of circumstances in my life. My parents divorced, I grew up in doctors offices and have more health issues than you would imagine, my grandparents are dead, I am easily/clumsily injured and have scars galore, I have had numerous concussions, bacterial infections, a parasite, weight issues, I lost a man that I loved and can't seem to find anyone who compares, my mom remarried and kinda ditched me in several ways and many more things. I have problems. I find that I often relate to that messed up girl that is always in those movies where she won't let love in, but eventually does because some incredible guy sees her brokenness and takes her under his wing (minus the fact that I don't have the happy ending yet). Because of this, I tend to feel pretty bad about myself, my life, my relationships, my health, etc. Because of this (and some health issues) I have become fatigued, apathetic, self-dwelling and quite frankly...Eeyore! Everyone feel bad for me because when it rains on me...it freaking pours! Now here's the deal, I won't say that I haven't gone through a lot in my life because I have and it's been really hard, but I am not like those actresses in those movies. I am not lost and I don't need some prince charming to come fix me because I have Christ. I mean honestly, I have the best man come to my rescue...one that was fully God and fully man. I need not live in the power of bondage and self pitiful sorrow because of the way my life has turned out. I am free. I am in Christ and in Him alone, my hope is found. Not in sorrowful woes that I hold onto so that people will feel bad for me or that I can use to draw me further away from Him and his Body. Some people have it worse, while other people have it better, but they all came from the same source...His Fatherly hand.

I haven't really admitted that before but that is something I struggled with and I realized it when I started reading "So long Insecurity..." by Beth Moore. As I was reading, I first thought, well I struggle with insecurity here and there, but who doesn't? But as I read on, I found that I struggle with more insecurity than I am willing to admit, but admitting is the first step right? I feel as though I flip flop between this self-sufficient human being who needs no one and can do it all to this girl who needs people to feel bad because, although I am Irish, did not get the luck of the Irish...I got the luck of Spain in the defeat of the Spanish Armada or something! I either need no one or I seek attention...both very awful places to be in. Beth Moore wrote about how some women need their husbands to affirm them because that is where they find their worth and where they find their security. I don't want to find my security in people who baby me and feel bad for me. That is awful and I have a family member who takes that to an EXTREME...and I DON'T want to be her!

I don't have enough strength to do this on my own because I have relied on my own prior and look where it has gotten me...back to myself. Instead of putting my eyes on the prize, I put my eyes in my mirror. I looked to myself for my needs and not Christ, so here's to quitting my career in acting, being vulnerable to the leading of Christ and accepting to how he chooses to use me: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do I part. I pray that I will remember this and not look in the mirror, but look past the fake and look to Christ, the author and finisher of my faith. If anyone does read this, please pray for this for me.

[12:1] Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, [2] looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
[3] Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. [4] In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. [5] And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
[6] For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

[7] It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [8] If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. [9] Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? [10] For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. [11] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
[12] Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, [13] and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. [14] Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. [15] See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; [16] that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. [17] For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.
(Hebrews 12:1-17 ESV)

Give me one pure and holy passion

2010-07-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

This is my prayer. And because I am at one of those moments in life where I just can't and don't know what to pray. Praise God for lyrics and the Holy Spirit interceeds on my behalf!

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you
To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

Lord to know and follow hard after you
And to grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Trust

2010-07-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have a trust problem. I don't trust people and I sure as heck don't trust God enough. I trust him until it comes to my career, my lost love life..etc. It makes me so sad because reading these passages below and especially Hebrews 11-12, I should be able to trust God with EVERYTHING, including my future. Although I cannot beat myself up about it, I need to pray for more faith and trust because only God can give it. I want to trust him...but sometimes it seems easier to worry and freak out. I think my favorite trust definition is number 2: a confident expectation of something; hope. I need to have a confident expectation in Christ and what he is doing in my life. I need to hope in him and him alone. He has been faithful in my life and will continue to do so. Praise Him for his love for me. No man could give a love near it.

Psalm 9:10

And those who know your name put their trust in you,

for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Psalm 13:5

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
Psalm 31:14

But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, “You are my God.”
Psalm 37:5

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

P.s. I thought I loved you

2010-07-17T21:31:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here watching P.S. I Love You and longing for the love that Hilary Swank had for husband Gerald Butler. I love how much he loved her. It was so beautiful. And then the other man who falls in love with her after her husband has died. This movie makes me cry because, we'll, it's just so darn cute and also because it makes me long for a P.S. I Love You man. Not only that, but it sometimes make me wish that my past were different and that different relationships had worked out. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that they were all wrong for me. Despite the fact that they were all wrong for me, each relationship I learned something valuable. So, here it is...my past relationships. (Names changed for everyone's sake)

Relationship #1
Name: Jorge
Relationship type: friends-->More
Length: Summer lovin ;)
His current relationship status: Engaged...will be married in a couple weeks

Jorge and I met through mutual friends and instantly bonded. As time went on we started talking more and then started hanging just the two of us. One night we rented a movie (which was awful by the way) and hung out. As the night went on and the movie was over we sat closer and closer. We talked and talked and talked. Before we knew it we were holding hands and it was very later. Needless to say, I didn't have much sleep that night, but the quality conversation was worth it to me. We spent more time together including a day trip to San Luis Obispo and a trip to Big Bear. Unfortunately, though we spent time together, held hands and had good conversations, we forgot to talk about our status as a couple and what that meant. Not long later I found out that Jorge went back to his ex-girlfriend whom he was still in love with (and now he's marrying). I was crushed because this was my first semi-relationship. I felt like I had given him too much. Even though the most physical contact we had we hugs and holding hands, I felt dirty and that I had given him too much. He didn't deserve it. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's honestly how I felt.
Lesson: Jorge taught me not to give myself away to anyone who didn't truly want me. He taught me to be careful with how physical I was with someone becuase it left me feeling very vulnerable.

Relationship #2
Name: Maurice
Relationship type: BEST Friends
Length: Too long. 1 year and 1 month
His current relationship status: He is currently dating my friend and they appear serious.

Maurice was my first and so far only love. I will spare the details because my older blog posts from a couple years ago talk about him and I am over talking about him. Long story short...we were best friends. He lead me on, we shared our souls and deepest thoughts with each other and I cried for four months, everyday after.
Lesson: Maurice taught me to guard my heart. I fell hard for him and I thought he liked me back so I gave him so much of my heart that I will never be able to get back. I learned to never give my heart to someone who would only take it but never give anything back. He made me realize that I wanted someone who loved God as he did and was passionate first and foremost about that.

Relationship #3
Name: Victor Wooten
Relationship type: Rebound....??... "I like you...but..." (Confusing to say the least)
Length: Summer lovin ;)
His current relationship status: Unsure

Victor was the most romantic and made me smile. You see, Victor was there for me as I was still heat broken about Maurice. We were friends of friends status until he requested to be my friend on facebook years later. As he did, we caught up and talked...and talked and talked on FB of course. He helped me get over Maurice and sent me endless video chats that ALWAYS made me smile =) He was wonderful. We finally started hanging out in person. He bought me tickets to Coldplay for my birthday, waited for me to go see Batman, called me when his car broke 200,000 miles and I was with him as he bought his macbook. He talked to his mom about me, and he told people at the camp he was working at about me. Oh, I was at a place where I was so confused at our status and was tired of guessing, but I kept quite. I was starting to fall and I was super duper Giddy. He stayed late one night and hung out before he had to leave for school the next day. I, once again had no sleep as I worked at 4am. He was suppossed to leave for school at 8am. I receieved a phone call after work asking if I could take him to the car place to get his car. I agreed and we talked on the phone for hours...until I finally decided to just pick him up and bring him back to my place so we could talk and hang out. Victor didn't leave until 9pm. I was smitten. Was wanted so bad for him to say where we were, but he left. We talked while he was at school but i soon got very insecure as to where we were and with him going to San Diego, he could find a women fast. I asked him where we were at and he didn't know. I told him that I was ashamed that he played with my heart after he knew I was heart broken by Maurice when he didn't even like me. He corrected me and said, "No, I like you, but..." he wanted to focus on his schooling. After a few more confusing conversations, we never talked again. I was so mad that I was fooled once again.
Lesson: ALWAYS be assured of relationship status before you go about thinking it's what you think it is. Although I wasn't making it very easy and made him work to want me this time (because I was trying a different route than my easy heart), I still ended confused and mad. I hate being mad, yet all three of these relationships ended in furious-ness of different degrees. He taught me that he is what I want in a guy as far as pursuing me, romance (though only in little bits) and in always making me smile.

(semi) Relationship #4
Name: Hans
Relationship type: Set up...only facebook friends chatting
Length: Summer lovin- October
His current relationship status: Just started dating someone

Hans was a set up by my friend Anna. She wanted me to meet someone and her cousin to meet someone, so she decided we'd be good together. We talked for a while on facebook and I thought he might be a good catch if we ever met. We stopped talking when I got sick with mono and he got busy with school.
Lesson: I like the way this one ended. No one was angry, no one had expectations and I, although bummed he didn't say anything about not being interested like that and just left me hanging, I am happy for him =) The first thing he told Amy about me is "She is beautiful!" I was so shocked and I learned that I want my future husband to see me like that.

<3 So...I need Maurice's love for God mixed with Victor's romance and thoughtfulness and making me laugh, combined with Hans' words...that I am beautiful =) I can't wait to find my P.S. I Love You Man, but I am trusting that God is preparing both me and him for a more God- glorifying relationship and one in which we can honor each other. <3

2010-07-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

My Bucket List:
(Which, in case you were wondering where this term came from, "Came from the term 'kicked the bucket'" (Thanks Urban Dictionary for your help!)

Write a book
Get Married
Have Kids
Live on the East Coast (preferably NY, PA, DC or Chicago)
Work with Homeless people
Become an Occupational Therapist/Assistant
Do a Medical Mission
Go back to the orphanage in Vicente Guerrero, Baja CA (Mexico)
Live in another country (Maybe Africa? Mexico? Who knows?) doing mission work
Become apart of a ring of people who secretly care for victims of Human Trafficking
Open a Battered Women home with gospel training and Godly living classes
Have a runaway teens shelter that does the same things as described above.
Above all else: before I die, I pray that I can: Glorify God and enjoy Him forever by truly knowing Him.

I'll probably add more as I think of it...but here's a starter. =)

2010-07-07T21:05:00.001-07:00

Can I just say that there is probably no greater song out than "How He Loves" by David Crowder?...except for maybe "The Stand"...which is pretty amazing as well. I am seriously loving DCB's song though. It is so amazing. These are the lyrics:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all Yeah,
He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

He loves us
Oh! how he loves us
Oh! how he loves us
Oh! how he loves

I can't even begin to explain how these words have made me begin to think about God and his love for me. It's amazing to see God's glory and be so overwhelmed by it! DCB got it right...He loves us so amazingly...we are blown away by the way that he loves us, or at least, we should be! Ever since I came home from camp (well, I guess it's only been about 36 hours) I have been singing this song. It's overwhelming when we think about HOW GREAT THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US! It's vast beyond all measure, that he should send his only son, and make a wretch his treasure. The only response I can think of to this is found in the lyrics, "The Stand"...and that is to "offer this heart O God, completely to You...So I'll stand,With arms high and heart abandoned, In awe of the One who gave it all. So I'll stand, My soul Lord to You surrendered, All I am is Yours..."

I don't say this enough...

2010-06-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

But God is SOOOO good. He knows everything about us! He knows when I rise and when I sit (Psalm 119). He alone knows what my life holds (James 4:14)...for he holds the keys to it. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me (Joshua 1:5). He has promised that nothing is too big for me because it is not by my power, but Christ in me (2 Cor 12:9). Therefore, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). I know this because He can do all things and none of his plans canNOT be thwarted (Job 42:2)! Just a reminder for myself because I desperately need to be reminded of that right now. "I believe Lord, help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Praise God for his love, Praise God for his faithfulness. Praise God for forgiveness in Christ when I forget. Help me Lord not to forget that you know best and you have planned my life in according to your will, which is a comfort. Thank you Father! Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost!

So we do NOT lose heart!

2010-05-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

Acceptance: The act or process of accepting. The state of being accepted or acceptable. Favorable reception; approval. Belief in something; agreement. Willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation.

That is the topic that I feel like I need to write on. I think it's because I am caught in a stage of my life where that word is not one that I use in my vocabulary. Rather, I seem to use words like: worried, wishing, dreaming, irritated, lost, confused, wanting, jealous and so much more. I am caught in a time where school is to be done as this year fades and I don't know what to do after, I am sick with a disease and other health issues, I can't bear to come back and live in Apple Valley (because of the next reason), and I am sad that my "life" has not moved on, but the "other" has, and as his life moves on, my heart still lingers in this place...this abyss of some sort that I cannot seem to get out of. It's too deep, too slippery, too dark. Time keeps moving on and yet everyday I wake up wondering (sometimes more so worrying) what I will do...how it can be done.

Acceptance #1
School --> life after college---> Job

The first step to curing your problem is admitting you have one right? Well, as I have already stated...I have problem with acceptance. I want to accept things they way they are and yet I am never satisfied. I am never satisfied because I lose sight of the only thing I can be satisfied in: Christ! So often I find myself worried about life and how my next semester is going to be, if I am going to move after college and if so, where and how and when and will I be financially able to do so? Will I emotionally be able to do so? I mean going out, on your own, apart from family and your best friend and not having school or something like to easy you in, can be a VERY scary thing! It's like starting a lonely life on your own...at first at least. BUT on the other hand, it is an adventure! I love adventures, well, at least in theory. I don't think my heart can handle living in apple valley, especially coming back home...feeling like a child once again in my own home.
1. Accept the fact that God lead my to Providence Christian College in the manner that he did.
2.Accept that He is faithful and will provide for my needs. He knows my fears and will provide.
3.Accept that He is in control. It is by his Fatherly hand that my life is lead.

Acceptance #2
Health problems and finances

So I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease and syndrome that effects nearly everything in my body, not to mention that because of it, my thick hair has thinned, I'm exhausted, and because of it, it's physically impossible to lose weight. I have, since I have been little, been sick, exhausted, gaining weight, over the past 5 years, had female issues and my full head of hair has decreased so much. It wasn't until I went to see a specialist a couple weeks ago that I was diagnosed. After talking an hour with the doctor...and $700 later, I found out that I have had this most of life (most likely). The best part about it is that there is no cure. There is medicine that I can take for the thyroid issues and some other pills that I have been prompted to take for the PCOS, but it will always be a problem. I will always have the thyroid disease, PCOS and endometriosis. As if these, among many other physical symptoms that I experience aren't enough, I will have a greater chance of infertility between the endometriosis and the PCOS. Enough complaining.
1. Accept that I can do nothing about it except accept it and take care of myself the best I can, including following the current list of doctor expectations, which includes about 20 pills a day.
2. Accept that I may never have children. Although this is a possibility, my God is greater than statistics. Besides, there is always adoption.

3. Accept that I may not ever lose the weight that I would like to, that my thick hair may never grow back and that I have many more outwardly appearance issues than your average woman because of it, yet I am a child of God and I was made in his image, therefore, I AM BEAUTIFUL. And what God made good, let no man call bad.

Acceptance #3
Broken heart--> Healing --> Love again.

Today, while I was doing the mindless task of window-shopping, I was listening to a song called Smile by Unkle Kraker, although by the sound of his name, you might think it's rap, it's not! Haha...it is definitely pop! But anyways, as I was looking at the cheap costume jewelry in Kohls, I heard this song come on and thought about how he sang this song saying: Oh you make me smile! In this song, this man adores his woman, saying that she makes him smile like the sun sun, sing like a bird, spin like a record, dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, and just the thought of her drives him wild. Although I am not promise marriage, I believe that God has it in his plans for me. I am far too much of a hopeless romantic and have too much to give to not be married, not to mention, my heart burns to have a marriage to understand even more the relationship of Christ to the church. Back to shopping though. As I heard the song, I thought about the man that I previously loved. I loved him like I didn't know was possible, but that was a love that was based on his character, his love for God, his funny-ness (?), his heart and much more, yet, although I though he may have felt a similar feeling for me at times, he never would have loved me as I think I would have wanted him to. Like he explained it...it was a friendship love. I still hurt to think I have lost him and his friendship, but I know that the man who, Lord willingly, will love me someday, will have this deep intense love, picturing the love of Christ to the church. I don't want a half-way love. I want the whole thing! I should not be sad any more about him. Unfortunately, I don't think that it is my loss of him that is making me sad now. I think it is a mixture of jealousy and rejection that I feel now. He has gone and found a new love, one of my friends. It hurts to know he rejected me over her and that they are "in love". I love them both and could want nothing more than their happiness, but it still pains me. But I need to move along.
1. Accept that I will never be with him and he will never choose me. He will love who he chooses.
2. Accept that although it is not him, Lord willingly, I will have a man who loves and adores me for my flaws, my diseases, my heart, my humor, my weight, my passion, myself.
3. Accept that God will hold my heart as I journey through life, with or without a husband. His grace is enough. His love is enough. His faithfulness is enough. Paul was never married, and look at him! An amazing man after God's own heart!

Speaking of Paul, I feel like my blog title and post title are very fitting for this moment.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 seems to be very relevant to me.

To to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I feel like I can relate to Paul's issue of the thorn in the flesh. My own health issues have caused me to be humbled and start to understand the power behind the fact that His grace IS sufficient for me!!! In my weakness, it is His power that is sufficient! When I am weak, He is strong! Praise God for that promise.

May my weakness show Your power and may I always be reminded of that power! Please help me to be content in weakness, insults, persecutions, hardships and calamities! You are God. All of my life In every season You are still God I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship." Though my heart and flesh may fail, You NEVER will! I Praise You for your love shown through the death of your Son and the gift of eternal life and the promise of the Holy Spirit!

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

~Psalm 73:23-26

Sooner or Later...You're gonna wish you had me!

2010-05-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's all so seemingly true in the world of lyrics. Sooner or later, the person who once rejected you will want you back. But isn't it oh so true in life too? Media constantly bombards us with these thoughts of "Well, they will miss me when I am gone because I am too good to have been given up". I constantly struggle with these thoughts and feelings of remorse, yet it is a constant struggle. We far too often think we are everything. I would be better for him. I would be a better friend to her. I am sure that I am a better worker than this person. etc. These thoughts of our self-worth are even more progressive as media carries it to our head. I was just thinking about it today as I heard a song that I listen to, quite often by the way, by Michelle Branch. I have heard it many times, but today I actually listened closely to the lyrics. Basically she talks about how she is more than just a pretty face. There is something different about her, but he can't see it. Sooner or later, he will see what she is worth though and he's gonna wish he had her. As she sang it, and I of course sang along with her, I found me heart thinking similar thoughts. Yeah, that boy would have never given me up if he could only see what he's missing...he'll regret it. He should have chosen me. Thoughts like this can wrestle our head but as I sat there listening to it I thought, maybe he does think she's great and sees something special, but she's not the one. What if they weren't meant to be together, though it seemed so perfect in her own eyes. What if she was meant for something greater. What if he was meant for something greater. Far to often I think, like Michelle Branch and Taylor Swift that they will one day come around and want me and maybe or maybe I won't be available. More than a love for this person and deep pain and regret from loss, I think this thought can become very selfish and jealous so quick. Taylor Swift sings about how she is the plain Jane who understands him and that he belongs with her, not the other girl. She says that maybe one day he will see that. More than just a remorse of love and loss, Taylor sings of a jealousy and almost proud behavior. I can't blame her though because I too have thought the same things. If only he could see that he belongs with me. It's not easy to have love and lost, but it is easy to get caught up in a sinful attitude of "I am better" and a time of living (or moping) in the past. Nothing happens by accident and that is encouraging. So while in despair of a once loved man, it can be easier to move on once we understand that God is in control. Jealousy of another girl or even of just rejection only leads to a sinful heart of deception. We deceive ourselves into thinking that we are so great and that so and so is missing out (as we say it with attitude). While it may be true that someone is missing out on the great person that God has created you to be, we must not be deceived of our own human nature and realized that we are wicked and need God. As we realize that and remember that he has a plan for us, we can see that although we did not have the man we wanted at the time, God will provide for our needs greater than we can see.

I will admit. At the end of this past year, heading into this new year I heard a song that cried out to me, making me realize it was how I felt...what I had longed for. It was by Ingrid Michaelson. The lyrics read:
Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
I felt as though Ingrid had written this song for me. My heart cried out and thought, yes! maybe you will come back! It was around then that i had to stop myself from thinking such wretched thoughts. It was something that has been dwelling in me for years. A pain that, at times seems deep and at other times seems so far away. As soon as I let my mind entertain the thoughts that I might just have him back and he would see what he was missing only burned a sinful attitude on my heart and honestly made me even sadder as I entertained untrue and unlikely thoughts. As I heard Michelle Branches lyrics tonight I was reminded of how often we are fooled by the folly of this world. So often we let sin rule our hearts and entertain our thoughts and forget that we were not promised THAT man. We were not even promised a husband! We were promised salvation by faith in Christ and from that, the Holy Spirit, which in turn brings us into eternal sanction with God the Father. We were promised that we would never be left or forsaken. We are promised hard times and yet never "driven to despair". We are promised that in our weakness, He is strong! So although we forget at times why we are here (wait, it's not for a husband?!) ;) we are to remember the gospel of Christ and Him crucified. He is our all in all and makes us who we are and therefore, we are loved by a love much greater than any man could give! Praise God!

Ramblings from Life to Prophesy to Esther =)

2009-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

* I had a specific way I was going with this blog, but it seemed to turn to random thoughts =) *

Oh how much life has changed over the past few years...friends have come and gone, I have been in several different colleges to find myself now starting my Senior year in just a week now, my mom has been remarried, working in Texas, my cousin (who is my age) was married about a 1 .5 years ago and their baby girl just turned 1 today! Many exciting things and some sad things as well have happened, like the death of both of my grandparents, me leaving the youth group I cherished, heartache, surgeries and sickness. Despite this...I am excited. I am excited because through the joy and through the pain, I have been learning more about God's providence and his sovereignty! I have always had a hard time understanding that God had everything in His hands, yet, as I learn more about God and the Bible at PCC, I have come to understand and know the truth behind what we are told about God and His promises. Today at church, Nate spoke on Prophecies. It was so interesting to hear all that he was saying because we had talked about a lot of it in my Old Testament class at school. He spoke of the people God had specifically raised up to lead the people, one of which was David. We studied a lot about this as we went through the first half of the OT and studied more about David in my Psalms class. It was so exciting to be reminded of it today in church. As I was thinking more about it in church, I thought about when we came to the book of Ester and it says, "And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"...I have been really overwhelmed lately, knowing that I am a female, studying BTS and I am in my senior year and people are always asking "what are you going to do with it?" I have no idea...I think it would be cool to do some Urban Missions, but I also think that it sounds overwhelming and like a big undertaking for a single lady. Yet, I was reminded of the people God used through out time...Joshua...he wasn't really anyone special and yet he was chosen to lead the people into the promise land because Moses was not allowed and then died. Ruth had nothing special about her, but she trusted God and found Boaz, whom she had a child with and was part of the line of David and eventually Christ. David hadn't been anyone special, he was from Bethleham, yet he became a man after God's own heart and also is portrayed to be parallel to Christ as we see many times in the Psalms. Then we come to Esther. Esther was a nobody, yet God used her to save the Jews, thus once again preserving the line of Christ. "Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. 14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” It was a dangerous job for Esther to do what she did, yet she trusted God, being reminded by Mordecai that God has here where she is for a reason, that reason possibly being for the very instance of saving the Jews. What a wonderful reminder! I don't think I will have to be put in the position of saving the Christians, but I am in a place in life, where I feel confused and don't know what to do. God has me where I am, doing what I am doing, for a reason and who knows what is it for....maybe it is something great and yet I don't trust God. I feel inadequate, yet I KNOW that is who God uses! I keep feeling like I should KNOW what I want to do with my life, but I don't. I have many things I would like to do, but I don't know which route I want to go yet. I feel like God is using that though to show me that He will lead me. I mean, I have tried my own way, and that didn't work. It is His way now and I want to be where ever he calls me "for such a time as this"! Whatever it may be! I just love this story because it is so relate-able. If you notice, God seems no where to be found during this book. It seems curious, yet as we read the details, we see God never being mentioned by name, but Mordecai seems to be saying "God knows" instead of who knows...Mordecai understands God's Sovereignty in all of this so, he is encouraging Esther with that. God's sovereignty and Providecence is overwhelming in this story...It "just so happened" that the night that Esther went to see the king, he couldn't sleep, which meant he also happened to be reading a scroll, which was the reading of Chronicles, which was telling the story of the Jews. Everything is reflecting God’s hand and Providence...this particular story to see our lives as we can see the book of Esther....it is to bless us and bring glory to God. God has ordained whatsoever comes to pass. God has made it happen. It’s hard to see it because we see all these bad things happening, but God is orchestrating it despite the fact we couldn’t see it. We need to let walk by the Spirit and God will guide us =) How encouraging...I am feeling more and more relieved about future plans as I think about this. The Lord will guide me in whatsoever may come to pass...because He is Sovereign! Praise God for his providence and sovereignty! Anyways, I have so much to say, but sometimes it is hard to write them all down when I am so excited =)

Romans...

2009-10-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

We have been going through the book Romans at my church in Riverside and it has just been awesome. I can't begin to explain. Pastor Elliot just brings it every week and he brings it hard. Today's sermon was on Romans 3:27-31. I thought about all he said and I was so convicted. Who are we to boast about anything in our lives or anything we can do when everything comes from Christ? Nothing is from us and as it says earlier in Romans 3, "none is righteous, no not one...No one understands...no one does good". We are nothing essentially without Christ and yet we sometimes think we are everything. The only thing we can boast in is Christ. It has been nothing of our own doing...not our faith, not our knowledge. Those too came from Christ!!! I was thinking about how busy I am and how every time I am not busy with homework, I am busy thinking of Seminary or my future after college....yet, I think I should be dwelling my thoughts on Christ...in fact I know I should be. He knows my future and I can rest assured that where ever He has me, will be where He wants me, and if He wants me there, then I can rest assured that He will get me through it! He is that powerful and yet I worry and wonder and ponder. Instead I need to dwell my thoughts on Him everyday! I need to remember the source of everything I have and everything I am. I need to meditate on His words because it by that that I am given life....it is by simply reading and meditating on the Word of God that we are given life. Isn't that awesome?! Psalm 19:7-11 says:

The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the Lord are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the Lord is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

“Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.” ~Charles Spurgeon

Therefore our boast is in the Lord and not in our own merit! We fail constantly and yet he never failith. He is our LORD and faithful is He. We are His forevermore and continuously. Not by us but by the Son, we have grace and a victory won! Praise be to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit who is our guide and in whom we abide!

Faith

2009-08-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have been reading in Hebrews 11 and 12 for about just over a month now. I keep coming back to it. I am so amazed every time I read these passages because the OT hero's of faith passage just astounds me. I mean when you look at each of the people whom are mentioned in there, you see, this people did not live perfect, sometimes not even what we would call commendable lives and yet, they were mentioned to be of Faith by God. They were people who were imperfect, yet despite their imperfections and sometimes even their lack of faith, all in all, they had faith. The best part about it is that they weren't even given what was promised!!! They had faith in God and his promise that they never saw! They remained faithful despite the fact that they had been promised a Messiah and yet never saw him! Man, I am just so pumped up when I hear that because I think of how awesome that is! I don't believe that that we have a man made faith and are able to have faith on our own outside of God because we would have given up long ago!!! It is a gift that has been given to us by God! The faith that they have is incredible and makes me ashamed when I look at the faith that I sometimes have. I mean, the Messiah has come and he died for our sins for redemption and yet, I still have found myself sometimes saying, "God, how could you do that to me? Maybe you aren't so great" (not in those same words, but in words that mean the like). I praise God that He has been growing my faith to where I am not questioning that as much, but there are times when I do catch myself thinking God isn't who He says He is...and how much more faith should I have seeing as He has come and we are only waiting for his second coming now, which I wouldn't doubt if it was sooner rather than later. God is great and I only can hope and pray that I could be as Abraham, Noah, Sarah, Rahab, David or the such...so that I may be of faith and honor my God! I pray for a nation of Christians to step up to the plate and have the faith even half as much as those of the Old Testament. I think that we would change the world if we did! Oh man. We should be even more encouraged because of those that have gone before us to have the faith so that we too would have faith like that and run the race with endurance because we know that it can be done!!! We know that our fathers before us have done it and so how much more should we be able to do so? Oh man...I am pumped! Thank you God for those whom have been before us who have loved you adn kept the faith! Help us do the same so that we too may glorify you!!!!!

Broken

2009-08-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I bought this song on iTunes last week after seeing SO many commercials for The Time Travelers Wife. I really want to go see that movie...primarily because...a movie could be the lamest movie ever, but if it has a good soundtrack, I am sold to go see it =) This song made me kind of sad whenever I would hear it because of the lyrics, "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating"...every time I heard them, I thought of my old broken heart. I should have been joyous that I have been healing slowly but surely, but instead, I thought of the pain that I used to feel and many months of daily tears. The more and more I thought about the lyrics, I thought, this song is a song that fits to every part of our lives I think...I think it's an inspiration to run the race and finish the course as we are called to as Christian. The world leaves us broken and bruised, whether it be from the one we love, death, or the harrassment of a boss. It leaves us feeling like the pain is too much and like we can't catch our breathe. I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but I think at some point in all our lives we have...When I was crushed by the person I loved, I was so heart broken that I was not only lead to tears but a lump in my throat and feelings like I couldn't breathe at times...I can't still feel the emotions when I remember it. Yet, despite those feelings...we are NOT lost. We are NOT meaningless. We are found in Him. Despite our feelings of being lost and being completely totaled, He is still there! He is our light and guide when times are rough. In his name, we find meaning!! We are not something that just exists to exist! We are here to serve Him and others and are called to do that despite the pain that is inflicted on us from the world...Last night I read the verse in 2 Timothy 4 that says, "I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing." Paul fought the good fight and he had finished the race. He was broken and bruised...but endured... Paul, for those of you who don't know, is my biblical hero...besides Jesus. His life was ended shortly after writing 2 Timothy and he ended the book by saying, "At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen." The Lord comforted Him in his pain and brokenness and Paul found his identity in Christ. How comforting that despite the pain and brokness of being deserted by his friends, Paul found every reason to go on and heal for this world meant nothing to him...only the fact that Christ NEVER deserted him did he praise! Man, I want so much to be like Paul! Praise God for faithful saints!

..Thought From My Day...

2009-08-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think life is only about pure happiness here on earth. I am constantly earthly minded in regards to marriage and I love for the moment of that day. I worry about what others think of me all the time and I think to myself, why worry when the only one I should be pleasing is God!!! I desire many a things for my life, but I am NOT promised any of it!!!! I am simply promised the salvation that was given to me and the love of my Savior. God never said, "Here is my Son whom I am giving over His life so that you may get married or have kids or the job you want" No, instead He gave His Son for my life and for others. He has chosen me and others to be Salt and Light in this world and instead I think we are dim and saltless... Thank God for His love and Grace so that I do not have to work my way to Heaven, rather I want to serve Him more because I have been given life when I deserve Death. Praise be to our God and Father =)

Seven Pounds

2009-08-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

*WARNING: movie spoiler if you haven't seen it!! Go watch it and then IF you feel the need, you can come back and read this*

Will Smith is an amazing actor. God has seriously blessed him with a wonderful talent to entertain many. I just saw Seven Pounds tonight. I had no idea what it was about, but by "chance" I rented it because Slumdog Millionaire was out. I watched the movie and did not really understand until about half way in what was going on. I sat there wondering if "Ben" aka Tim would actually give his life or if he would stay with the women he was falling in love with only to have another person die and accomplish his goal. As the minutes went on, I realized what was in his heart of hearts and started sobbing quietly. I was so emotionally touched by this movie and was bawling by the end. I left my couch to come to my room where I decided that I too would be like Ben and find people that needed organs and give them a better chance at life and give up my organs for someone else. When I see things like that...and even movies like John Q...I want to do the same and save some one's life for the sacrifice of my own. I have no idea why I feel that way or why I have this need to sacrifice, but I get very charged up and want to do so. SO, before I hit my bed in depression from the movie, I decided that I would, instead, read my Bible. I opened it to Hebrews 11, where I have been for a while, and started reading. The section I read spoke of the hero's of faith and how they died, knowing that they were strangers in this earth and this was not their home and not having anything that they had wanted to happen but rather faced life in Faith because of the hope that was in front of them. I thought immediately of the movie and of my sacrificial emotions that well up within me. I am one of those people, that unfortunately, will give you a kidney before I would think to even share the gospel. I am so moved by physical needs that I simply seem to forget the spiritual needs, though those are the most important. I think our lives should be lived as Ben lived his life. He lived it with a purpose and a goal in mind and while I don't advocate finding people to donate your eyes to, I do recommend to you and myself as well, that we rather, look for the needs of people in their spiritual well being. Though helping the physical need is very commendable, what good is it to extend one's life a few years if it is only to rot in the depths of hell? No. We will not be silent any more about this. I have really been broken lately seeing all the things in the news and knowing that times are coming to an end. It may not happen now, in days or even in the few years, but it is coming. There will be a day when every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord...and when that day comes, I don't want the people next to me confessing and then being cast to Hell, where we all belong but by the grace of God, have been saved from. Although I cannot save people, I can do as I am called and make disciples of all nations. Man, if only it were as simple as Seven Pounds and we could just have a surgery to give people what they need, but it's not. It takes a faith, love and confidence in Christ that is given only by Christ to do. We need to boldly approach people with the love of Christ for we have been undeservedly given grace and we need to extend it to others. I could go on all day about this. I wish I could do as I say all the time. I feel as though I get these God given epiphanies and then have a hard time playing them out in real life. I pray that I will be given the boldness to do as I urge everyone else to do and share the love and grace of Christ with others so that we may praise our God together in Heaven one day.

Random thoughts...

2009-07-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, today I was thinking about all of the horrible things happening in this world and how many times I have been hearing people say things about, "I think time is getting closer to the end" or "I think the rapture is near". Although I am sure most think that they will see the rapture in their lifetime, no one has been right thus far. Although I am not saying that it isn't happening because I too believe that everyday we are getting closer, rather I do think that this is more of a call for us to live like tomorrow were not to come. I have been very, very lonely since I have been home since CSM and can't tell you how many times I have thought about how badly I want the perfect boyfriend who will them become my husband and how happy I will be. A) life is not perfect, B) people are not perfect, C) happiness is fleeting...it is temporal. I think it is natural for a girl to have that longing of someone to take care of her and I keep worrying at when this person will come and who he will be. Trust me, I am going to connect the two points =) I desire so badly to be married, but I believe that many times I desire it more than I desire to live a hoy life that is pleasing to God. That is sad to me to think that I could be caught in such a slump of a time, worrying about my "man" and not worrying about those people who are out there who have not heard the gospel and are going to hell...an eternity away from our Heavenly Father. I know that the Bible tells us in several places not to be caught off gaurd when the time that the Lord comes to take us to be with Him in eternity, but I think that I too often forget that...thinking only on my selfish desires to be married. Don't get me wrong, I don't think having that desire is bad, I just think that I need to trust God more for that and worry about being in the time and place that God currently has me in. He has me at home in the desert for some strange reason for the rest of the summer and I need to live for that and not worry where this man is to come into play...I mean think about it...what if He came back tomorrow and I were searching for my husband and not seeking him? I would waste my life because I was seeking earthly treasures rather than heavenly ones. I mean, Christ could come at any moment, I am not guarenteed a husband, a family of my own or anything similar. I AM promised that he will never leave me or forsake me and than I have a place in heaven with my heavenly father. That is what I need to live for. How come I can't do that? I know I am not perfect and thankfully, God sees me in Christ, so I don't have to be perfect because He was, but it still sometimes is discouraging thinking...how come I can know this and feel this but not act it? I think it's kind of like Paul in Romans 7, "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

At least I know my buddy Paul struggled with the same thing. I just want to be as the hero's of faith in Hebrews 11 and have crazy faith that is not understood in a humanly mind, but rather faith that comes for Christ who is not only the founder but the perfector of our faith =) Please Lord, shape and change my Faith to glorify you more!!!!! Thank you for making me who I am and loving me despite my many imperfections. Thank you for your Son who has made me clean so that I may be in your presence! I love you Lord!!!!!!!!!!

Like A Mist

2009-07-10T22:22:00.001-07:00

Our lives are like a mist...a vapor. I know this all too well. Within the past 4 and a half years I have lost 3 very important people in my life to the crazy thing called death. It saddens my heart to see them go and is harder yet to know that I am still here on earth and they are with our Heavenly Father, whom I long to be with as well! My grandpa died on Thursday around 12:43am California time and 2:43am Texas time, which is where I was, Texas. It was hard being in a place that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wanted me and yet knowing that my grandpa was nearing his death. It was around Monday or Tuesday of this week that my mom reiterated to me the severity of his disease that he was diagnosed with only two weeks after I left. He had congestive heart failure and dementia. I knew that God had a reason that I was in Texas during this time, but it did not make being away easy. Being away from family, friends and all you've ever known for 2 and 1/2 months is rough...rougher than I thought. Although I was gone for not quite 2, I was still homesick. God taught me so much over such a short period of time and he has reminded me again and again of his faithfulness and his love. At any rate, by Wednesday I decided that it was my time to go home. I wanted to finish out my job at CSM, but having my grandpa dying all the way across the country was not an appealing thought since I left Texas not knowing that I would never see him again. I knew he was getting older faster but I never thought this would happen. I booked my flight Wednesday afternoon/evening for the soonest flight home which would be Friday, today, at 6:30am Texas time. I was saddened to leave, but God definitely helped me have closure at CSM in AMAZING ways. I will write more as the summer goes on in my Texas blog. I have so much that I haven't shared due to the lack of time, but really want to share because each of it is the story of how God has changed my life through other people. He has done more than I could ask or imagine. I think that the beatings I recieved over the summer of wrestling with spiritual things and God changing and molding my heart and life has helped me with the way I deal with things. I have been learning about faith and have been inspired by the faith of Abraham when he was asked to sacrafice his son. I think in the same, yet different way, God has used my grandpa's death to test my faith. Under normal circumstances I have just been angered and horrified that God would dare take these people from my life. God has truly helped me in dealing with his death though. Although I am sadened VERY deeply and miss him so much, I see God's goodness in this. I have never been able to see so clearly God's goodness in the midst of the bad times as I have during my time at CSM and through his death. My grandpa was the closest thing I had to a real dad and I lived with my grandparents for a couple years so I grew very close to them unlike the other grandkids and even some of the kids in the family. I can't help but hurt as I lose my "dad" and his love. I know he loved me even though he didn't say it a lot. He would never say "I love you", until about a few years ago when I would look him in the eyes and tell him, "I love you Grandpa", it was then that he started saying it back to me and everytime he said it, I teared up because I knew how hard it was for him to say it. He was quiet, but brilliant...always inventing something new in the garage or coming up with some sort of contraption to help my grandma around the house, my brother and I to better climb trees or to keep my dolls from sliding out of the bench swing they had. He was always wanting to help and always ready to build. As he got older, these things were harder for him to do and I saw the sadness of failure start to kick in. He could no longer help us with our chairs that would break or help us with car problems. He was old and he not only knew it but felt it, especially after grandma died. He lost half of his heart when she left and I know that he would have gone home when she did if God had allowed. Within a year to two years my Aunt Betty whom had lived my grandparents for several years passed as well and so my granpa had seen the loss of the love of his life and her sister. It was so hard for him and he was itching to get home. He has been preparing for a while now and I feel as though he waited until I was gone in Texas to go because he didn't want me to see him fade away into sickness. My heartaches as I am, even now bawling, knowing that I will never see him on earth again but knowing that one day I will see him again. God is good.

In Memory of Donald Keith, my grandpa, my dad and my best friend.
I know he's in a better place, even though it is hard to accept.
I wish I could have been there, even if I had only watched you while you slept.
I wish I could have held your hand, given you a hug and given you a kiss,
but please know that it is you that I will forever miss.
I was 1600 miles away and I could not see you go,
but I was gone so that my Father could make me grow.
I didn't see you as your were sick or see the last rise of your chest,
I did not like it, though maybe that was best.
Though I am grateful for the memory of your laughter and your love
I am sorry I was not able to care for you as I dreamed of.
I do not regret being away doing what God had called me to do
but I hope you know how much I loved you.
You were always on my mind and in my heart
And I wish you did not have to depart.
I know it was your time to go to see your love, my grandma and best of all your Father!
Because of that I will not let my head or heart lead me to bother.
Praise God for his love and grace,
because of that I know your is in a better place!

I love you with all my heart.

Rambling slash Raw Emotions part 2

2009-06-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

SO...I started writing this post for my CSM blog to fill in my very few readers of what is going on in TX, but wound up ranting and raving on life’s seemingly random things from my heart, yet are not so random and meaningless to me as they may seem to ya’ll.
I have met so many people, been homesick, created relationships and questioned if I am doing what I should be doing here. I have so many things I want to see happen and yet I need to always be reminding myself that what I want to happen is usually not what God does, yet it is greater because, well, God is greater. I have a hard time with where I am at in life. I feel so undiscovered of who I really am. I feel as though I can’t find my identity and although I know it is, or at least should be, in Christ, I am constantly wondering where that girl went who was 19, in love with her God and wanting nothing more than to just pursue the one who created her. Although I desire the same things, I am not the same girl I was. I am bitter, tainted and tired. Since the beginning of last year, I have changed so much. I don’t know who to trust, I am irritated at the little things and I just want to quit. I try so hard to please God and yet I feel as though in the little things I don’t glorify him. I snap at people who irritate me...I get tired and don’t want to serve others...I would rather go to bed than read my Bible.
Where is that girl I knew 2 years ago? She was a beautiful independent girl who was driven to serve others and that her purpose was beyond serving coffee at Starbucks, though that is where she “calling” was at the moment. I don’t know what happened to me. I was strong. I was purposeful. I was determined. I was alive. I was constantly smiling. I was optimistic. I am weak. I am aimless. I am undetermined. I am on life support. I am forcing a smile. What is wrong with me? I am a Christian woman who has everything to be greatful for. My mind is exhausted. I am tired of wondering my career path, why I had a broken heart that won’t go away and only seeing a stop rather than the good that God had for that situation. I keep thinking I will one day see why I had that broken heart and how it had only brought me closer to my God and yet non of that is in sight. It has been a year and a half since I felt my heart crushed and a year since the healing process started kicking in. Although I am over this person, it still hurts and I don’t know why.
All I know is that I feel as though I have a lot of rediscovering I need to do. When my heart was lost, I seemed to have lost myself. Maybe that means I put my identity in someone else rather than Christ, but I can’t help but wonder why I was a “better” person then. I liked who I was. Maybe I am just realizing more and more the depravity of man and am just realizing that I am never a good person...now I just need to learn that in Christ though, I am seen as righteous in the sight of God’s eyes and that is because of the blood of Jesus. I think I am not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not spiritual enough. Not loved enough. Not loving enough. Not caring enough. Not impacting others enough. Not good enough. I need to remember though that He says “You have the intelligence I gave you. You have the image of me. You are beautiful. You are growing. I love you. You will learn to love more and more if you love me more. You will learn to care as you love me more. You will do my will; nothing more and nothing less! Your not good enough BY YOURSELF, but you are forgiven and free; my grace is enough”.
Last week I had the epiphany that, homeless people with the love of Christ have more than the richest of rich who don’t know the love of our Savior. I had this epiphany while talking to a homeless believer. I thought of how much more I should be praising my God for all that I have ON TOP OF the LOVE of Christ! I mean COME ON! SO, I wonder, how is it that I feel the way I do? Why do I not love more? Why don’t I praise God more? Why don’t I have this inexplicable notion to go world wide and share the love of Christ and his gospel message? I am too tired. Why? I have NO IDEA. I am physically exhausted. Mentally exhausted and quite honestly emotionally exhausted. How can I say I am too tired to share the love of Christ with others when that is my purpose in life? Probably because I am doing too many of the wrong things. I am working full time in summer ministry this summer and I am concerned with what score I will get at the end of the week by the group that I lead. I am concerned with changing lives of students, ministry sites, and those we minister to that I don’t let God use me...I think. I wonder what my problem is... Am I abnormal? Will this pass? I just want to Love God with all I have and yet that seems so far away.
While we are on the subject...I have a confession. Sometimes, like when I go to a mall, I have this urge to shop like crazy. I desire to look GOOD! I think I find instant satisfaction in buying clothes. I find my temporal happiness and buy them so that I can impress people. Who doesn’t right? I don’t like it though. Also, I have these thoughts run in my head that I want to be this stylish mom and wife and therefore, I am scared that if I go into some sort of ministry, I will not be able to buy the cute clothes I want OR even if I could I would feel guilty! But it’s not just clothes...It’s stuff like concerts, nice dinners, shows at the Pantageous and stuff like that. I don’t want to give that up and yet I feel as though I will if I go into ministry. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT??? Oh man, it’s aweful. I think maybe God is calling me as He did the fishermen and is saying, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” And yet, I seem to want to do as the rich man did and just walk away...walk away with my “stuff” or the future pursuit of stuff. Those things WILL NEVER make me happy! I know it and yet I still chase after it for temporal happiness. I long to just give it to God and surrender all. Surrender my thoughts, my future and my reservations just to follow as he has asked me to. It is not as though I am monitarily wealthy, but I can buy an occasional item or two and not be broken. At any rate, I am confessing my heart and soul and laying it all on the line right now! I am vulnerable and I don’t even care anymore. This is me. This is my sinful nature. This is me being honest with my struggles because I am NOT perfect. I struggle like CRAZY! (If you have read ANY of my blog, you already know this ;)
Anyways, I need to change. I desire change and with the help of God, I will honestly seek change.

“For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits. “James 1:11

Lost- My Raw Emotions

2009-06-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I feel so lost. I am homesick and yet I don't really know where my home is. Is it Apple Valley? Is it Ontario? Is it Houston? I feel as though I have relationships in every area, yet no real home to come home to. I feel as though since January of last year (2008), I have lost my church family and even more so since this past January (2009) when I moved away to Ontario for college. I lost SO many close relationship, family included, since 2008 and the number continues to decline. I hurt really bad for this. I have met some AMAZING people along they way, but non of which can take the place of the ones I lost. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and abandoned and I can't help but think I must be a horrible person to have let these relationships just leave me. Many of them were my own fault...but not by choice...because of other circumstances beyond my power...but I still can't help but feel lonely all the time. I can navigate my way around Houston, a city I have never been to and have only been here for three weeks and yet relationships, I can't seem to master. Relationships come and go, but I have never been so hurt by relationships so as to feel this way after a year and a half. I miss the way things used to be. I feel as though I don't even know who I am anymore. I am lost.

Home. It's a place I can picture and smell,
but where it is I don't know anymore so well.
It was a place of laughter, tears, joy and sorrow,
Family and friends were near to follow.
How I long to be there instead of this place, alone.
I know I am growing,
I know I am learning.
It just hurts so much, all the trimming and pruning.
I don't know where I am
I don't know who I am
Someone please tell me where and who I am.
I don't know much, but this much I know,
My identity needs to be found in Christ alone.
How hard it is is a world full of self
Please help me understand that is you alone, O Lord,
that I must find rest and peace in when all others abandon me.
You are my source, my identity and home
All is in You, I Christ alone.

"In Christ Alone my Hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song; This cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My comforter, my all in all—Here in the love of Christ I stand."

If only it were as easy as singing the song...I know I must persevere through the dark times...it is just hard doing it alone. Maybe that is what God is teaching me...To rely on Him and not others, but although I know He is here with me, I just wish I would feel it. I know God isn't a feeling and I can't base my feelings on my relationship with God, but I am just so disappointed in myself and others and I think I am starting to get disappointed in God. I don't know what to do anymore but to do as Romans 8:26 says. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." I have never wanted SO much prayer in my life so if anyone actually reads this, please pray for me because my heart hurts. I have felt this pain for too long and I just feel lost..

Homesick

2009-06-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, I am really having a rough night...I found out that my grandpa has congestive heart failure. He had some surgery today and is doing okay so far, but it is still so hard knowing that I am 1560.88 miles away from him. I am especially close to him because of the year that I spent living with he and my grandma as she was sick and passed away. It is so hard to hear him say that he is ready to be home with my grandma and yet I am not ready for that...not now. I can't bear to think that something would happen to him as I am here...I don't know what I would do. Please pray for him...and please pray for me as I am awefully homesick right now...to be with him...Kelly and my mom...I miss my family oh so much.

Belize update and more

2009-05-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

So, I am finally back from Belize and catching up on a lot of missed sleep...I know a lot of people want to know what's happened in Belize and others will want to keep up with what's going on in Houston.....well, here's the deal-e-o! I have a separate blog for that called Pure and Undefiled, which is based on James 1:27. If you want to see what happened in Belize, I have a daily blog for that...as far as Houston goes, I will try my best to keep that one updated as much as possible!! Enjoy!

Inspiration...When I Should Be Studying For Finals =)

2009-04-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you have heard of Dick and Rick Hoyt, but today I was on YouTube because my friend wanted me to see a video...It's a truly inspiring story. The YouTube video was at this website, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afv5jTrC7nM , but I would encourage you to read on below for the background of the father and son before you watch the video or it may not make sense.

This story is kind of long, but truly inspiring...it is from Dick and Rick's website
http://www.teamhoyt.com/

Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if they’re not in a marathon they are in a triathlon — that daunting, almost superhuman, combination of 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of bicycling, and 2.4 miles of swimming. Together they have climbed mountains, and once trekked 3,735 miles across America.

It’s a remarkable record of exertion — all the more so when you consider that Rick can't walk or talk.

For the past twenty five years or more Dick, who is 65, has pushed and pulled his son across the country and over hundreds of finish lines. When Dick runs, Rick is in a wheelchair that Dick is pushing. When Dick cycles, Rick is in the seat-pod from his wheelchair, attached to the front of the bike. When Dick swims, Rick is in a small but heavy, firmly stabilized boat being pulled by Dick.

At Rick’s birth in 1962 the umbilical cord coiled around his neck and cut off oxygen to his brain. Dick and his wife, Judy, were told that there would be no hope for their child’s development.

"It’s been a story of exclusion ever since he was born," Dick told me. "When he was eight months old the doctors told us we should just put him away — he’d be a vegetable all his life, that sort of thing. Well those doctors are not alive any more, but I would like them to be able to see Rick now."

The couple brought their son home determined to raise him as "normally" as possible. Within five years, Rick had two younger brothers, and the Hoyts were convinced Rick was just as intelligent as his siblings. Dick remembers the struggle to get the local school authorities to agree: "Because he couldn’t talk they thought he wouldn’t be able to understand, but that wasn’t true." The dedicated parents taught Rick the alphabet. "We always wanted Rick included in everything," Dick said. "That’s why we wanted to get him into public school."

A group of Tufts University engineers came to the rescue, once they had seen some clear, empirical evidence of Rick’s comprehension skills. "They told him a joke," said Dick. "Rick just cracked up. They knew then that he could communicate!" The engineers went on to build — using $5,000 the family managed to raise in 1972 - an interactive computer that would allow Rick to write out his thoughts using the slight head-movements that he could manage. Rick came to call it "my communicator." A cursor would move across a screen filled with rows of letters, and when the cursor highlighted a letter that Rick wanted, he would click a switch with the side of his head.

When the computer was originally brought home, Rick surprised his family with his first "spoken" words. They had expected perhaps "Hi, Mom" or "Hi, Dad." But on the screen Rick wrote "Go Bruins." The Boston Bruins were in the Stanley Cup finals that season, and his family realized he had been following the hockey games along with everyone else. "So we learned then that Rick loved sports," said Dick.

In 1975, Rick was finally admitted into a public school. Two years later, he told his father he wanted to participate in a five-mile benefit run for a local lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Dick, far from being a long-distance runner, agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair. They finished next to last, but they felt they had achieved a triumph. That night, Dick remembers, "Rick told us he just didn’t feel handicapped when we were competing."

Rick’s realization turned into a whole new set of horizons that opened up for him and his family, as "Team Hoyt" began to compete in more and more events. Rick reflected on the transformation process for me, using his now-familiar but ever-painstaking technique of picking out letters of the alphabet:
" What I mean when I say I feel like I am not handicapped when competing is that I am just like the other athletes, and I think most of the athletes feel the same way. In the beginning nobody would come up to me. However, after a few races some athletes came around and they began to talk to me. During the early days one runner, Pete Wisnewski had a bet with me at every race on who would beat who. The loser had to hang the winner’s number in his bedroom until the next race. Now many athletes will come up to me before the race or triathlon to wish me luck."

It is hard to imagine now the resistance which the Hoyts encountered early on, but attitudes did begin to change when they entered the Boston Marathon in 1981, and finished in the top quarter of the field. Dick recalls the earlier, less tolerant days with more sadness than anger:

"Nobody wanted Rick in a road race. Everybody looked at us, nobody talked to us, nobody wanted to have anything to do with us. But you can’t really blame them - people often are not educated, and they’d never seen anyone like us. As time went on, though, they could see he was a person — he has a great sense of humor, for instance. That made a big difference."

After 4 years of marathons, Team Hoyt attempted their first triathlon — and for this Dick had to learn to swim. "I sank like a stone at first" Dick recalled with a laugh "and I hadn’t been on a bike since I was six years old."

With a newly-built bike (adapted to carry Rick in front) and a boat tied to Dick’s waist as he swam, the Hoyts came in second-to-last in the competition held on Father’s Day 1985.

"We chuckle to think about that as my Father’s Day present from Rick, " said Dick.

They have been competing ever since, at home and increasingly abroad. Generally they manage to improve their finishing times. "Rick is the one who inspires and motivates me, the way he just loves sports and competing," Dick said.

And the business of inspiring evidently works as a two-way street. Rick typed out this testimony:
"Dad is one of my role models. Once he sets out to do something, Dad sticks to it whatever it is, until it is done. For example once we decided to really get into triathlons, dad worked out, up to five hours a day, five times a week, even when he was working."

The Hoyts’ mutual inspiration for each other seems to embrace others too — many spectators and fellow-competitors have adopted Team Hoyt as a powerful example of determination. "It’s been funny," said Dick "Some people have turned out, some in good shape, some really out of shape, and they say ‘we want to thank you, because we’re here because of you’."

Rick too has taken full note of their effect on fellow-competitors while racing:
"Whenever we are passed (usually on the bike) the athlete will say "Go for it!" or "Rick, help your Dad!" When we pass people (usually on the run) they’ll say "Go Team Hoyt!" or "If not for you, we would not be out here doing this."

Most of all, perhaps, the Hoyts can see an impact from their efforts in the area of the handicapped, and on public attitudes toward the physically and mentally challenged.

"That’s the big thing," said Dick. "People just need to be educated. Rick is helping many other families coping with disabilities in their struggle to be included."

That is not to say that all obstacles are now overcome for the Hoyts. Dick is "still bothered," he says, by people who are discomforted because Rick cannot fully control his tongue while eating. "In restaurants - and it’s only older people mostly - they’ll see Rick’s food being pushed out of his mouth and they’ll leave, or change their table. But I have to say that kind of intolerance is gradually being defeated."

Rick’s own accomplishments, quite apart from the duo’s continuing athletic success, have included his moving on from high school to Boston University, where he graduated in 1993 with a degree in special education. That was followed a few weeks later by another entry in the Boston Marathon. As he fondly pictured it: "On the day of the marathon from Hopkinton to Boston people all over the course were wishing me luck, and they had signs up which read `congratulations on your graduation!’"

Rick now works at Boston College’s computer laboratory helping to develop a system codenamed "Eagle Eyes," through which mechanical aids (like for instance a powered wheelchair) could be controlled by a paralyzed person’s eye-movements, when linked-up to a computer.

Together the Hoyts don’t only compete athletically; they also go on motivational speaking tours, spreading the Hoyt brand of inspiration to all kinds of audiences, sporting and non-sporting, across the country.

Rick himself is confident that his visibility — and his father’s dedication — perform a forceful, valuable purpose in a world that is too often divisive and exclusionary. He typed a simple parting thought:
"The message of Team Hoyt is that everybody should be included in everyday life."

David Tereshchuk is a documentary television producer. He currently works for the United Nations.

For Ashley :)

2009-04-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

So, since some of you...mainly Ashley :) wants to more details of my fall as described in the earlier post...here we go: so my school had "Olympics" and I was standing on two people's backs to jump over a fourish foot pole...I jumped and did a front flip..which P.S. have NEVER done before...and as I landed...I came down straight on my neck...my body was weird how it came down...everyone was really scared and the medics and fire department came... it was kind of scary at first...I only have a sprained back, but since the accident I have been getting sharp headaches in the back of my head so I need to see a doctor soon...I am getting up and around a little bit...I went to church today and all..but still in lots of pain and can't sit for long periods of time. Hopefully the doctor can shed some more light on the situation when I go... Thanks for your concern! Love you Ashley!

Give Thanks to the Lord for He is Good! His Love Endures FOREVER!

2009-04-03T11:10:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I am hyped up on pain pills for the accident I am about to explain and I am nearing the end of this dosage so hopefully it makes sense, but if not...that is why!

So, even now, as I sit here in bed, I am thinking of the verse for my blog, "So we do not lose heart, Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." The verse brings light to my situation. A couple of days ago, I fell from about 7 feet in the air on my neck and for a few brief moments I thought to myself...this could be it and I could be paralyzed. I laid on the ground for a few more moments and then slightly moved my neck...ah...relief was in sight. I was in such shock of the way I fell and the people around me were as well, a few were kind of grossed out because of the way I landed. I laid their and while anxious and hurting and sand all over face and body, not knowing what to do. My thoughts were directed to my God and I thought to myself...I should have been paralyzed...but my gracious God granted me mercy and I only have a sprained back! Usually when I am in situations as such, I am fine in the first day, but after being in bed for a while, I get anxious and depressed and emotional. This time, though, for the first time. While I am lying in bed I think, "Thank you God I am not paralyzed", or "thank you God that, even though bed ridden and in pain, it is only temporary!" If only we could look at all of our ailments this way. This certain experience of mine is only temporary on earth, but others face things that are, yes only temporary in this life, but permanent on earth. I know I have a few of those, but even at that, none a dibilitating, at least not yet and I pray that I could look at them as I am looking at my current situation. Yes, our outer bodies are wasting away BUT our inner self is being renewed day by day by the Holy Spirit. Praise God through who all blessings flow! Thank you God for my renewing me on the inside and thank you for the temporary pain!!! I am SO greaful! My God is an AWEsome God (and much more in the way that we term the use of awesome...but rather full of AWE)!

Random thoughts :)

2009-03-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

The goodness of God. That is such a big topic to me. There are so many ways one could go with that topic to declare God's goodness and yet I find it interesting that, how in my hard times, I question God's goodness...though not in my words, rather in action. I find myself doubting God's goodness sometimes when times are rough, yet I have the received the greatest good I could have received from God and undesevedly too. To think, I have been chosen as God's child and I am complaining about the goodness of God in the smallest of details that, quite honestly don't matter in the scheme of things. It is quite interesting when you think about it like that. The goodness of God far exceeds my thoughts on what I feel as though I should have or what I desire to come true right now!

"For how great is his goodness, and how great his beauty!" Zechariah 9:17

"Show Me What I'm Looking For"

2009-03-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

I often think of her, the girl I met in the airport at my terminal coming home from D.C this summer. Her name was Jenn and she was a few years older than me, possibly in her mid twenties. One moment she was fine and the next she was crying in shock of what she had heard on the phone. She was hysterical for some time and made many a phone calls as I just watched and wondered what was so tragic. My heart broke for her because she was young, all alone in the airport, and something terrible had happened. As time kept moving on, the phone calls ceased and she just sat their in shock. I sat there the whole time she was on the phone and I just prayed because that's all I could think. I wanted to help her and stop her tears because when I see hurt in people, I just want to fix it, fix them...I am empathetic fixer. As I continued to sit there, I just knew I could do so no longer. I got up and sat with her. I didn't want to appear a creeper, but I knew she had no one there for her and as a Christian, I wanted to show Christ's love by showing her my concern. She explained that she just found out that her mom, who was in New York, died. It was tragic. She was in Maryland and on her way to her home in California. I did not know what to do or say, but I asked if I could pray with and for her. Although she hesitated and I could tell she didn't believe in God, she told me I could. I prayed and sat with her for a while. Although I felt helpless, I knew my God was not. I still wonder where she is and how she is doing. Ever once in a while, she just pops into my head. I am still praying for her and mostly her salvation.
A song by Carolina Liar is the title of this blog because it is what my prayer is that she will ask. I pray that she will just be shown what she is looking for, what everyone is looking for deep down... "But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul". Deuteronomy 4:29

Passage of the Day

2009-03-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

" Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.
Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

Denial

2009-03-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

I just heard an amazing message last night at church. It was on the denial of Jesus Christ by his faithful servant and friend, Peter. I was brought to tears as Pastor Vanden Huevel spoke of the betrayal of Jesus' friend and follower. To think Jesus was denied by his friend. Peter not only denied him once, but the second time he made an oath saying that he swore he did not know him. Then the third time, Peter denied him and this time with cursing. I was tearing up as I thought of that happening to my Savior, by one of his friends non the less! Then, I thought of how many times I have been in the position of Peter and although I say, like Peter, "Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away" (Matthew 26:33, ESV), I have many times denied my Savior because of my sinful nature. Even if it is not in the same way Peter did, it is still denial because there have been times I abandoned my God or just simply gave up. Thank God for His grace though!

What really got me was when it says in Luke 22:61-62 "And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times. And he went out and wept bitterly." Could you imagine what Peter must have felt when he saw the face of his Lord...Could you imagine what Jesus felt? All I can say is Peter had the appropriate response...."And he went out and wept bitterly." He felt sorrow and anguish for what he had done. Many a times I think I am sorry, but I do not have this response. I can imagine that Jesus was grieved by this and for me not to show my sorrow in such a way, but rather to apologize and just brush it off is an attitude I don't want. I want to be grieved by what I do wrong because I have sinned against my God. I realize because of his grace, I can be free in knowing that I will never live up to the standards of my God and it's okay, because Jesus took my place, he was my propitiation, but I don't want to just think, "Oh, well I am in His grace, so I'm okay". I want to hurt so I don't want to do it again. I want to be grieved at my sin so that I may have a sense of Awe and Thanksgiving for my God! Thank you for your grace and love oh my God!

The hardest part is letting go...

2009-02-25T21:44:00.000-08:00

Midterms are over :) I should be happy right? Well, I am, but it's been a long week. A week full of surprises. So, I may have to quit my job due to the lack of hours I am available to work because I am now commuting from Ontario. I also made a very hard decision to leave my kids...I will now longer be working with the youth group. I feel crushed. It may not sound like much, but I feel as though I have been stabbed. It hurts to leave these one's in which I have loved over the years. I have been working in youth ministry for four years now. I feel kind of lost...and I just left my kids about an hour ago. Leaving them is so hard. It may sound like nothing, but to me, it is everything. I threw my heart and soul into that ministry...or at least I did more so when I lived in the High Desert...and quite frankly I threw my best in at work as well. I am quite astonished at the fact that I am supposedly the "best" at both and yet I am asked to put in more or quit. I TOTALLY understand the fact that I need to be committed more but I thought with all the years I put into both...well I can't go there. It is finished...done...finito... I only know that "I made" both of these decisions to quit. Life is funny.

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

Hmmmm....I guess this song kind of sums up my emotions and thoughts right now. The hardest part is letting go, not taking part....Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth.

From The Depths of Woe

2009-02-09T01:54:00.000-08:00

In Memory Of Jen Uwarow

From the depths of woe i raise to Thee the voice of lamentation.
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication.
if Thou iniquity dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark,
o, who shall stand before Thee?
o, who shall stand before Thee?

to wash away the crimson stain, grace, grace alone availeth.
our works, alas!, are all in vain; in much the best life faileth.
no man can glory in Thy sight; all must alike confess Thy might
and live alone by mercy,
and live alone by mercy.

therefore my trust is in the Lord and not it mine own merit.
on Him my soul shall rest; His Word upholds my fainting spirit.
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort, and my sweet support;
i wait for it with patience.
i wait for it with patience.

what though i wait the live-long night and till the dawn appeareth,
my heart still trusteth in His might; it doubteth not, nor feareth.
do thus, o ye of israel's seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed,
and wait till God appeareth,
and wait till God appeareth.

though great our sins and sore our woes, His grace much more aboundeth.
His helping love no limit knows - our utmost need it soundeth.
our Shepherd, good and true is He Who will at last His Israel free
from all their sin and sorrow,
from all their sin and sorrow.

This song from Psalm 130 has been so encouraging to me. It has been a rough week for the Providence campus. Though I did not know Jen personally, I felt a deep sorrow for the loss of this sister in Christ. As I watched the people of Province weep, I could only think of the life she must have lived to so greatly impact everyone here in only the six months that they had known here and the four she spent on campus as an RD. I wish I had known her, but to have been a bystander, I still feel greatly impacted by her life even though it wasn't direct. I can only ask that God would use me to impact people as well for Him. I have been struggling with issues of belief and seeing the community of believers come together and cry, pray and sing praise to our LORD and Savior, whom has given us the gift of grace and who had taken our sister Jen home to be with Him was unforgettable. I cannot remember the last time I felt the presence of the Lord ever so near as I did tonight and Friday in chapel while we prayed for Jen's health. It was truly the grace of God that I just felt ever so near and trying to make sense of all my unbelief....i was like the man in Mark 9:24 "I believe; help my unbelief!” I believe it, but the more I study, a small part of me keeps thinking that my LORD and Savior is just too good to be true. God revealed himself to me tonight in the life of Jen. He made me realize that I envy Jen to some small degree...and all though that sounds bad, I don't mean it in a horrible way. I mean it in the way where I wish I could be in the presence of my most Awesome, holy God, praising him and been in complete awe of him. I can't imagine that feeling. I think I would be breathless. Then I thought, Jen lived her life, impacted SO many people and the LORD graciously took her home to be with Him for eternity, which I am SO happy for her. She is no longer in the pain of her cancer and living in the world of depravity, she is with our God!!!! How awesome is that? It's cool to me to think that we are trying to live for and love God with everything we can, glorify him, and that is our life's purpose. It is a race in which we are running. Fortunately, our sister Jen has finished this race of life and now gets to be in the celebration of it all. That is exciting to me because one day the same will happen to me unless we are taken before I die. But, to know that you finished, is such an awesome thought! I don't for one second think that this will be easy on Pete though. I cana have these thoughts and see the life and be impacted by it...but Pete was her husband, her best friend. Although I cannot begin to imagine his pain and hurt, I do believe Pete with get through this time of pain and struggle and questioning and anger, with the help of our LORD Jesus Christ. My prayers and hopes are that Pete and the families of both Jen and Pete will rely on the Lord and completely trust him in all. Thank you God for blessing the Providence campus with Jen and Pete. To God be the glory, now and forever, AMEN!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Words of Life, words of Hope Give us strength, help us cope In this world, where e'er we roam Ancient words will guide us Home.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fullness of Your grace is here with me...

2009-01-14T23:26:00.000-08:00

God's grace is all around. I am amazed at how much grace I am surrounded by. It is in this breath I take, this air I breathe, and furthermore, this experience I had...

As I got on the freeway tonight to drive an hour to go to youth group, I questioned my decision to do so as I sat in traffic. I still had quite a bit of homework to do...I thought maybe I should just bail out. No. I decided to go and I would stay up until I finished my homework. The traffic didn't last long as I continued along my way. I was about an hour and a half early, so I headed to Starbucks to get started on homework. I figured I could get through the last two chapters of my Calvin homework...I was wrong..I only got through the first chapter before I had to leave to get to the church. I was really excited though for once in reading this book. It was intriguing to me how Calvin made such a difference. I was captivated. As I got to youth group...I saw numerous people who asked me about school. I excitedly told them about how AMAZINGLY hard Providence was and how I have 17 books for only 5 class...but I was LOVING every moment of my education there! As the night went on, so did my enthusiasm. I was just jazzed to talk to my senior girls in High School... Youth group soon ended and I needed to head back home an hour, so I left. On my way home I was debating hitting Starbucks because I wanted to read the last chapter of my Calvin book. I thought about going to a different Starbucks, but at the last moment..hit the Bear Valley Starbucks...

I was in line talking to the workers there (whom I knew) and telling them how I was now living in Ontario and going to a Christian school as a Bible and Theology major. As I am speaking of this, I noticed that the customer behind me was a regular customer at my store. I smiled and said hello and then went to sit down. As he was putting creamer into his coffee...I thought about how I really just wanted to let him know that I had recognized him from my store and just show Christ's love by striking up that slight conversation by just being friendly. As we spoke, he asked me of my school and we talked about why I was going there...Long story short, well at least shorter ;) we started talking about God. He spoke of "Spirituality". As our conversation went on, I prayed that God would just give me strength for I knew God wanted me to give him the gospel...I knew that about 30 seconds into our conversation! He spoke of God and thought we were on the same page, but I knew we were not. I tried to figure out how to get us on the same page and asked for God's help because I could not do this by myself. That's when I felt prompted to bring up the Trinity. He could not understand it, so I tried my best to explain it. By the grace of God, this man started to understand the Trinity...at least more than when He first walked in. God's grace upon me continued to flow out on me as He used me to give this man the gospel. Before I knew it, I was giving the gospel to this man!...I was able to share Jesus Christ with him! He had a hard time understanding Jesus and his sinless life, but by the end of our conversation, he was able to understand it more! The conversation I had with this man was AMAZING! We spent an hour and a half talking until Starbucks kicked us out. Although I got no homework done...I did not care because God was using me in a greater way than I feel I have been used before. God is great! "The fullness of your grace is here with me, the richness of your mercy's all I see!" God's mercy was shown to me by giving this opportunity for Him to use me. I was SO excited about this experience it was RIDICULOUS!

Even better is that God used Providence and Dr. Swanson to aide me in this. It was only yesterday that Dr. Swanson, in my new testament class spoke of the gospel and grace and justification and ransom. I have struggled with the exact definitions of the terms, yet I was able to remember it as I spoke...I picture Dr. Swanson at the board speaking of all these things! It was AMAZING! I serve an GREAT God!

What if?

2009-01-09T23:46:00.000-08:00

What if we woke up everyday thinking upon God's grace?

What if we were truly content in life, not because of the good moments, but because we didn't care whether we lived or died, for life was for Christ? (Phil 1:21)

What if we did not dwell on the "might have beens" or the things we "missed", but focused rather on what we had gained and realized it was all counted as a loss because in the end it is all like "dung"? (Phil 3:7-10 KJV) (Because what normal person spends time nostalgically dreaming of dung?)

What if we not only read God's Word, but actually hid it in our hearts? (Ps. 119)

What if we actually reflected on God's word instead of just reading it? (Ps. 7:5-12, 44)

What if we extended grace to others just as God gave his grace to us?

What if we realized that we were no better than the people we work with, go to school with or saw on the streets?

What if we looked at that same person and discovered that they need God's grace just as much as you and I?

What if we took the gospel and instead of just preaching it to others, we daily preached it to ourselves first?

What if we understand that we could not understand ourselves with out knowing God, but that we cannot know ourselves without knowing God? (Ac. 17.28)

What if we actually KNEW God and not just about Him? (Eph. 1.17-19)

What if we prayed unselfishly for the ungodly and the apostasy?

What if we saturated our lives with Christ by permeating every aspect of our lives? (Deut 8:3, Ps. 119, John 15:7, Col 3:16, Eph 5:18, Romans 8:5-6)

What if we delighted in the laws of my Lord which, in turn, would become delight in Him? (Ps. 1:2; 119:72; 97; 103; 165; 19:7-14; Prov 2:4; 3:13-18; Jer 15:16)

What if we depended on Him for wisdom, instead of ourselves? (Prov. 3:5, Prov. 2:3, Psalm 119:18, Eph. 1.17-19)

What if we were burdened for the name and glory of God like Daniel was? (Daniel 9)

What if we prayed like Daniel did? (Daniel 9)

What if we were a people who did all of these things...half of them...or at this point even one of these things...not half-heartedly?

We would look like a people who knew God or at least were on the right track to truly knowing God...

"And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. "

KNOWing God...not just about Him

2009-01-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

Knowing God...that’s a concept that almost seems un-graspable...What does it mean to truly know God...I mean TRULY? Reading J.I Packer’s book, “Knowing God” has seriously given me such an insight on the fact that I don’t even know God...I may know about Him...but not Truly know Him or at least I don’t act it most of the time. The sad thing is I feel as though I am lacking in both departments of knowing Him and knowing about Him. I think of how intricate He is and how basic I have made Him to be. It seems as though I have made Him as simplistic as a human, which isn’t very simplistic unless put up against the Almighty God...and although created in His image...He is far more complex. I feel as though I don’t really view Him as God, but instead, someone like...a president. He is the head and I am to obey...He makes the decisions and I don’t have much control. Although I don’t necessarily think that way about God, I still don’t think that I view Him in the light that I must in order to understand his grace by which I am saved and so that I may stop taking this life so seriously. Shouldn’t I be so much more excited to die for this? Why am I scared to speak the name of Christ to people? Am I afraid of rejection? Why can’t I be like Paul and see my life as more gain in death than in life? I cannot wait to see my savior in Heaven, yet why can’t I live more like that on earth. I want a passion for that. I want a passion for KNOWing my God and count my life and everything I have gained as a loss because it was all considered rubbish when looked upon in the light of the glory of God and the life I was given because of redemption! Give me one pure and holy passion my Lord...that I may KNOW you! That is my prayer. I want energy for God! I want a prayer life that is passionate in getting to know my God and praying for the ungodly and apostasy. I want to think highly of my God...at this point I want to even just think about God way more than I do! I want to KNOW that His hand on what is happening has His glory written all over it...BEFORE I start seeing the end result! I want to know God will triumph in the end while being in the midst of trials. I want to be bold! I want to be content! I want to truly be able to say that it makes no difference to whether I would live or die, married or unmarried, because I am content in Christ! I WANT TO TRULY KNOW HIM...knowing about Him is not enough if I want to accomplish all of that!

You're Beautiful!

2008-12-29T01:22:00.000-08:00

You're Beautiful
by: Phil Wickham

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

This song never ceases to amaze me. I don't think I, nor anyone else will fully grasp the beauty of our Lord and Savior, but, for me, this song has completely changed the way in which I view my God and His precious Son. I'm not sure that there is one time in which I am not either brought to tears or at least near it when I hear this song. When I first heard this song I liked it but when I actually read the lyrics while listening to it...I was completely blown away. Phil Wickham eloquently expresses the beauty of our God in ways in which I don't think about. Seeing God's beauty in everything...which is said a lot, but I wonder how often it's actually done. This song has completely changed my way in which I praise God. Now, when I'm up before dawn at work...I can look at the stars and see His beauty...in ways I always took for granted and I know that as soon as I see that sunrise, I can praise God in His Beauty...

BUT as amazing as that is...the real kicker was the when he spoke of the death of Christ on the tree..."he bleed and then he died and then he rose again for me..." How beautiful that someone would die for me, especially since I am most unworthy. This song is the ultimate love story to me and believe me...I love a good love story. I know that I think often of the man I will, God willingly, someday marry...I want someone who sees me worth dying for...someone who I can rely on and he will always be there for me....someone who's passionate. I cannot think of anyone more passionate than Christ...though many Biblical character follow His lead. And then I heard this song and thought of how the love of Christ is THE love story that I want...and I HAVE, yet I take it not for what it's worth. He loved me enough to give his life for me...and best of all...is when I die for I will finally be with my love. "When we arrive at eternity’s shore Where death is just a memory and tears are no more We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring Your bride will come together and we’ll sing You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful". I have always had a hard time seeing my relationship with Christ as Bride/groom...until this song. I mean I have been learning implications of it but have had a hard time with the imagery...seeing as I am not married and not really understanding how the intimacy tied in with both relationships. Then, I thought of a going to heaven and finally seeing my God...and the wedding bells would ring as I finally see the one I love, but more importantly the one who LOVES ME! I mean, the "We love because he first loved us"(1 John 4:19), so my love for Him only came because of His love for me. I look back and think on the days in which I am happiest...and those days seem amazing, but I can't even imagine the kind of Joy I shall experience once I see my God and Savior's face. I think I shall be brought to tears BECAUSE I can't even get through this song without bawling sometimes when I just think of His beauty! I wish I lived every moment of my life like that..with the beauty of Christ and the Cross on my mind ALL the time. I know if I were married, I would want my husband to think I was beautiful and tell me...oh how much more should I be telling my God and Savior that!!! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL MY LORD! I see your face! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

This is my love story...and it ends happily ever after :)

Grace extends to more....

2008-11-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

The verse in 2 Corinthians 4:15, has never struck me as much as it has over the past couple of weeks. "For it is for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase your thanksgiving, to the glory of God." This is the verse that is leading up to my website address, "so we do not lose heart".

The grace of God has just been in an outpouring over the past couple of weeks, and with all that has happened, I must say, I have truly seen a glimpse of God's grace, mercy and faithfulness in full action in my life. Not to mention, a greater understanding of the verse that says in John 3:30, "He must increase, but I must decrease". Seeing God work in my life and in the lives around me makes me feel truly blessed. Over a month ago, I was praying that God would guide me in some sort of ministry opportunity within our community through our church, and where there is a prayer...there is an answer. This answer happened to be a Thanksgiving Luncheon for the needy in our community. As I prayed about this God inspired idea, I second guessed not only myself in being able to achieve this, but God. I was scared. Scared of having my idea rejected, scared of not having anyone bring food yet having 100 people to feed, or even having everyone bring food and having no one to serve it to. I decided I at least needed to talk the church and see what they thought. I did and the idea was welcomed with open arms. Although I was excited, I instantly thought "OH CRAP, what did I get myself into...? I can't do that!" and then I realized how true that statement was. I prayed immediately and said "God, you know my heart for this, but PLEASE show me your power and might. PLEASE show me your mercy and do this, for I cannot do this on my own." I prayed that I been an instrument and not the director, for I have a tendency to want to run the show. Knowing my sometimes cocky behavior, I prayed that their would be nothing that I could boast in in this project, but that it would be in Christ alone that I could boast. As soon as word got out and excitement spread through out the church, I could not be be even more excited to see God work. I cannot even begin to explain to you everything in which happened to me, but let me just tell you, that with no real effort upon myself, we had 60 turkeys and people galore, signing up to help. I was amazed to see God work and to see how he had faithfully answered my prayers with in only days of praying it. Many a times along the way, I have worries, and yet God has reminded me, day by day, that He will see me through this...and to not take place as the orchestra director when I was only the instrument. Although God's faithfulness has stretched to the sky though out all of the events leading up to dinner, today just excited me so much to see God work. My next worry of having people actually come to the dinner who were needy was also diminished at the snap of a finger...within the first week of sign ups, we had 42 people sign up! Last night, I was worried, once again, because I had forgotten to have people sign up for table clothes, so I went out and bought some. They cost just over $20 which doesn't seem like much, but when paying rent, college bills and barely working 25 hours a week...$20 is a lot. I didn't mind though because I knew God would be faithful to me. Then, this morning, I went to walmart and spent another $15 on 5 bags of candy corn, ribbon and some netting for candy corn, I guess you could call the "favors", to put on the table with verses. I bought the candy corn because the people whom signed up for candy corn only gave me four bags, so, I bought more since I was needing to buy more for the favors...I reluctantly slid my credit card, praying that I would be okay, money wise, even though it was only $35 total. As I got to the church, I found that someone brought by 9 bags of candy corn that morning! I was SO excited, you wouldn't believe it....it just showed me "grace extends more and more..." I just thought about how awesome that was. While doing the favors, I had a lady whom I had talked with on the phone earlier come in with bags in her hands. She brought in the punch that I had forgotten about and hands me a roll of yellow paper. It was a 100ft roll of yellow table cloths. I was so excited because then I could take mine back. I went in and measure the tables we would be using for the dinner and counted 99ft that I needed...WOW...I mean seriously...God knows what He's doing! My excitement and joy for this had been truly unexplainable. Shortly after, I found that we were short of knives. Slightly perplexed, I just decided to delegate someone else to get knives. Shortly after, we finished the favors and I headed over to Stater Bros to check on my donation that I asked for 3 weeks earlier...I wasn't sure if it would happen or not, but I just kept telling myself, God will provide even if we don't get this donation. After some deliberation up stairs with a few managers, I was handed a $25 gift card to purchase turkeys. I was so excited that I went back and grabbed two...knowing I would probably have to pay a few dollars of my own, but at this point, not even caring. The checker rang me up and said my total for the two turkeys was $20...for whatever reason, one of the turkeys rang up half price! Neither checker or I understood, but I was grateful that I still had $5 left on their for other food needs for the dinner. I brought the turkeys back to the church and put them in the freezer...as I was walking in, an older gentleman pulls up in his car and leaves us with a whole cutlery of forks spoons and KNIVES!!!! I was so jazzed! I mean, I did not do one thing and yet God laid it on these people's heart to do such a thing! My amazement is just so different than it used to be. I serve an AWESOME God.

An even more encouraging side note on this is that I prayed that because I felt a call to ministry as a full time career, that God would make it clear. I prayed that the dinner would not be successful if he did not want me here. Thus far, though minor times of stress or worries, God has done some AMAZING things both with my heart and those who are helping. MY GOD IS GREAT! I know that everything will go fine for the dinner on Saturday and I am just trust God, that he will turn my 5 loaves and 2 fish into a multiplied amount, so that "they all ate and were satisfied" (Matt 14:20)

Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!
Psalm 106:1-2

Life is Precious...

2008-10-12T00:14:00.001-07:00

I sometimes wonder why people feel the need to end their lives. I mean, I have been in that same mind set before as well, but always composing myself again to realize that this life is not about me...not about pain I may experience because Jesus endured way more than I ever will have to. I can imagine that pain, that desperation that life is too hard, because I have been there. I have felt life would be easier if I were not in it...but suicide is not the answer and it breaks my heart to think that that is what some people have felt that it is the answer. I have had two people I know of this week commit suicide. Neither were close to me, but one I knew and the other was a friend or a friend. Still, my heart breaks and I cry for these people that felt as though they could not bare it anymore. I sometimes don't understand that with all the pain I have felt and the times when I was in junior high and where I felt there was no other way, why I didn't end my life...why was I spared? Why were these people not spared? I could be overwhelmed with all this questioning and ponder it in my head for hours, days or even years but it would be torture to know that I will never know. Except I do know this, God's plan is perfect. I don't know why things happen as they do, other than the fact that we live in a corrupt world, but I know that my God is still great. He is still a God of grace and a God of mercy. God has spared my life and taken others, but His knowledge far exceeds mine and so my prayer is, that while I am still living, graciously by the will of God, I want Him to be glorified through me. I want us to be people who hope in God, because if we hope in man or on things of this world we will lose our way and life will not seem worth living. Know that God is our hope and He alone is our strength. Even in times of sadness and despair. God is there. Trust in Him.

What a Beautiful Mess

2008-09-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

I really like Jason Mraz's song, "A Beautiful Mess". It is kind of a sad song in my opinion and sadly it reminds me of myself and how much of a mess I can be. It also is encouraging in some way to think that even though something is a mess...it can be beautiful, in some way, to someone. I have been thinking about that title a lot. A Beautiful Mess. Then I started looking at my life and thinking of how that title would quite possibly be the title to my story of life, but not in a feel bad for me sort of way. I was thinking about what a beautiful mess could look like and than I thought of something beautiful and I thought of my God. I thought about how Beautiful he is and what He has brought to my life. He is the essence of Beauty in my opinion...and than I thought of the mess...the first thing I thought of was my sinful life and the sinful world. I feel like my life is a mess and is sometimes seemingly beyond repair. With Christ though, my life is restored to a new level even if it is still messy. I try to clean up the mess' of my life, but it will never be completely clean and I need to let Christ help me clean it. Yet to God, I believe I am a beautiful mess. He knows I mess up and my life is a mess sometimes and yet He still thinks of me as beautiful because I am His child. I like the title "A Beautiful Mess" because I think we as Christians are that picture of something that is just a complete and utter mess, yet because Christ saved us, He made us a Beautiful even though our lives are not perfect and sometimes messy...Therefore; Beautiful Messes! My life is a mess...A LOT, yet because of Christ I have a hope. My life can atleast be looked at in a positive light because I am His child and I can look at is a Beautiful Mess because Christ makes my life Beautiful :)

WOW...part 2

2008-09-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

SO I have been thinking and praying about it...and I think I am going to not be quite so rash in my decisions to just quit work and school to do His work, but I am making changes...what they are, I am not positive yet, but I have ideas. My heart has just been dying to do something for others in His name and I feel like that night that I had that epiphany last week, it could have been God saying, "I want you to be able to give all those things up, but that's not necessarily what I want you to do." I think he wanted me to be willing to give it all up to follow Him. This is what I would like to do if the Lord wills. I would like to start Providence Christian College in the spring, demote myself at work and than only work like 10 hours a week. Then I can still work with the high school kids and get my degree and hopefully do some other stuff at the church :) This would make me so joyful...I mean I would get tired because I'd still be busy, commuting and all and homework, but it'd be worth it because I would be getting a Bible/Theology degree, working with my high schoolers and still be making a little bit of cash to pay for the gas to commute to Providence :) I really hope this works...but only be the Lord's will, not my own, do I hope this happens!

WOW...about all I can say or think to title it!

2008-09-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

WOW...tonight, God gave me a huge epiphany. So for the past three weeks or so, I have had a heart of pure metal in which I stored anger, bitterness and sinful desires. I have had a really hard couple of weeks to where I cannot even begin to explain how bad my heart hurt with anger, bitterness and longed only to sin. It hurt and yet I kept feeding it...The fuel was lies. The more my heart hardened, the more I kept telling myself I should not be involved in church, church activities or the such. I have been a wreck and God has finally shown me what He has been trying to show me for the past 4 years or so. I'll take you back to four years ago....

It was 2004-2005...my senior year of high school. I was living with my grandparents to help take care of my grandmother whom was fatally sick with cancer. It had been a tough year. I had a heart within me to do missions and just take the year after I got out of High School to follow my heart to the missions field. After expressing my desire with my mother, I was told to reconsider. It took my mother 20 years to get her Associates degree, so my mom was a big fan of college right after high school and to finish ASAP! I did as my mother had desired because I figured she was right and I'd probably never go back to college when I came back. Time went on...I changed my major a million times and after going from teaching to medical school, I thought to myself, I could do Drs. without borders, a team of doctors whom do missions type work. I finally discovered as much as I like medical things and science, I wasn't gifted enough to endure 8 years of college and give up my life. I then went from Physical therapy to Occupational therapy. As I was pursuing Occupational Therapy (This brings us up to spring of 2008), I went to interview at Loma Linda University and found that my desires for that had quickly changed. I was asked to write two essays. One was one a quote by Ghandi that says "Be the change that you want to see in the world" and the other on "If you could have lunch with anybody, dead or alive, who would it be and why?" For both essays, I related it to my life as a Christian....for the second one, I said the apostle Paul. I wrote about his life and as I wrote I became so passionate about Christ...a passion like one I have never had in my life before. I quickly realized my dream school was not my dream school and my dream occupation was not my dream occupation. I knew I had to have a career in full time ministry...what a scary thought for someone who has always been told and always believed that she must have a "real" job so she could be strong, independent and successful. The idea was hard to grasp, but I knew it was what I had to do. So, for the fall semester this year, I have been going to Chapman and getting a degree in Sociology with and emphasis in Social Work and a minor in Organizational Leadership. I have always wanted to be apart of an inner city ministry, so I figured this would be the perfect route. I have been taking classes for three weeks now and for three weeks, my heart has been angry, bitter and unpleasant.

My heart has been angered by my past with my dad, my past with two boys whom played with my heart and than had no intentions of actually holding it but only dropping it, a job in which corruption has struck and I must speak out. Bitterness with a busy schedule of work and school, dealing with my mom's wedding to which I am excited for her, but it seems as though it should be my time to get married and not hers, and not being able to work with my High school kids as much do to my busy and tiring schedule. Sinful with thoughts of not even caring if I sinned anymore because my life was nothing any more, my heart was beyond softening so why even try. I had cried in church for several weeks and skipped out once because of my hard heart. I finally snapped and cried and yelled and talked with Adrienne Gillespie and Dawn Hamrick for nearly three hours on Monday. I realized my sinning was a choice and even though I knew it was a choice before, I realized I needed to choose not to even though I wanted to. I had had a decent day on tuesday and even for the first half of wednesday. I tried so hard not to sin and did a descent job at it...I wasn't going to go to church on wednesday but decided to as the day went on. I decided to stop being so hard on myself and to understand I was a sinner , but should be with my high schoolers. No sooner than 5 minutes later, I walked out to my car and found a parking ticket. I FLIPPED out! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD? I already hated my job, working 36 hours a week, was overwhelmed with school and the loads of work that came with that, angered by the betrayal I have had in my life and lately, stressed with the fact that I had a heart of hatred and sin and knew it, and now i have to pay a parking ticket on top of the brakes I just paid for! I couldn't take it! I was yelling and crying for I had hated what I had become. I DID NOT want to go church anymore. I talked with my mom on the phone and she told me she thought I was under spiritual attack. I mean now I didn't want to go to church even though minutes before, I did and was trying hard. As hard as it was for me to take my angered heart to church, I did, but in the way in the car, my heart started softening. It just took me that decision to not let Satan hold me back from going (which was ALL from God because I did not want to go anymore). I got to church and listened to Nate as he spoke to the kids and God spoke to me. Nate spoke of our Joy being in God and when we have a purpose in Him we are joyful. He also spoke of missions. No joke...my heart was so indwelled with God that it was amazing. God spoke through Nate to basically tell me, "Jeni, I have wanted you to do MY work for years now, I let you try to do it your way with school, you got your degree like you asked for and I have been showing you that I don't want you going any of those places, yet you don't understand....by doing full-time ministry, I don't mean go to school and get your degree...I mean I want you NOW!" WOW! I realized that my heart is not joyful where I am...I am and have been urning to be in a full time ministry, be it missions or a job in ministry, i don't know but I know it's what God is calling me to do. It is SO clear. He has been calling me for years and yet I have been trying to work both mine and His plans. He has finally told me to drop my nets and follow Him and I am going to do so.
Those of you who read this long blog :) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be praying for me. I know I need to start soon, so pray God gives me direction where to start looking or that He would just lead me there! I know I will get there since God is calling me so I am excited for the journey. I have hurt a lot over the past year, pains in my heart that I cannot even begin to explain except to say it felt like death...and yet it took all of that for God to show me His purpose with my life. GOD IS GREAT :)

Seriously?! :)

2008-09-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I just have to laugh when I think about my life and the people who have come into it. I think I am involved with some sort of hidden camera T.V. show that I don't know about. Haha...I feel this way especially when it come to the boys/men in my life. The ones worth keeping are cruel to me (so I guess that makes them not worth keeping, but at the time it does seem as though they are) and the ones who want to keep me are in the above 40 category...and creepy! HA...makes me laugh. It doesn't really surprise me though because I have ALWAYS had good relationships with older people (they love me for whatever reason) and all my friends parents...even better relationship than some of the kids had with their parents. One of my friends, I went to Victoria Gardens with his mom and saw a movie! Ha. So, my latest love interest by an older man happened the other day. I was at Starbucks with my friend Derek...he was reading Charles Dickens, and I was doing homework...ugh, enough said, I would much rather have been reading a lil' Dickens myself. I was on the internet at Starbucks when all of the sudden I had a pop up telling me about a document that I had. I had to choose accept or deny...I choose deny of course and then...a few minutes later it popped up again, but this time, I saw a man come up to me and say, "Are you Jennifer Ellis". Uh, yeah...creepy huh? I said yes, very hesitantly of course and he said he figured since I was the only one who had my computer on. Apparently he wrote the document and sent it to me via bluetooth, which he had on his phone and I had on my computer. He told me he had just wrote this romantic thing and wanted me to look at it...I didn't know what to do and Derek was as perplexed as me, so I opened it and read it. Fortunately, for all of you, I kept it (he named it "Starbucks Encounter")....this is what is read:

When you aproached the door of starbucks, I gave you a serious once, twice, third look. I know that I do not know you, but deep inside my heart is wishing I did. Then you said a simple "hi" my world is hopeful again thank you for opening my mind to posibilities. Time for a forth look, I was about to aproach you and to say hello. Oop's, I notice the wedding ring on your finger. I am now sitting back down wondering who is the lucky guy that placed that ring on your finger. My world still remains more hopeful than before you crossed my path. I am thankful to have met your look, smile, and greeting. Have a great life, I hope we meet again.

WOW...the only thing that perplexed me was the fact that I hadn't been wearing a ring that day. Here's my conclusion, either he was using the wedding ring as an analogy for the fact that we could not be together because it just would not work (which, seeing as he was a decent writer, would not have surprised me) ...or it was about someone else, but why he would send it to me...I don't understand. I felt so AWKWARD, yet Derek came to my rescue! He asked the man why he had sent it to me. He said he was just going to save it and then he saw that I had been on, so he sent it to me. He also said, "I could have sent you my shoe size but...". Seriously?!? What does that mean? Haha... After he sat near me and made small talk, he left and Derek, being a protective brother figure that he is, turned off the Bluetooth on my computer! Thank goodness for Derek...I could not have done that alone! MY WORD! So, after he left, Kelly Cooper says, "Seriously Jeni, how do you get all the old men?!?! How are you that lucky?" I laughed because it was SO true! My life makes me laugh, I mean literally, out loud! I think if I didn't laugh about these instances, I would cry about the fact that the older men see something in me and the younger boys only mess with me. Oh well, their loss! Ha...I think it's God's way of saying, "I don't want you in a relationship with someone right now, but hey, some people like you!" Haha...No, I think if or when God brings someone in my life (Hopefully he's my age-ish, not 50!) it'll be good. I am not worried because whether God has someone for me or not, I know I am going to be okay because my satisfaction should be found in God anyways :)

September air :)

2008-09-02T21:16:00.001-07:00

Seasons of change, I just love them. Whenever I hear the month of September, I automatically think of the fall. That always brings a smile to my face :) I have to say though, I don't think I have a favorite season...I cherish them all in a different way and await the next season to come, with anticipation. I love the fall and the things that it implies. I am SO weird, but I seriously get warm fuzzy feelings about the change of seasons...to where, no joke I am smiling now :) I think my mood today was brought on by being in two different Starbucks while they were both setting up for the new fall phase at Starbucks :) In the fall, I know it's weird, but my favorite colors consist of brown, yellow, orange and red and an occasional dark green! I love my Anniversary Blend of coffee...(which I talked a Barista into making for me even though it officially doesn't come out until tomorrow :), and occasional triple grande one pump pumpkin spice, one pump white mocha, soy Latte...Yumm! This is also weird, but as the fall rolls around, I love listening to Paolo Nutini. I have been waiting to listen to him! I think it is because he has a song called "Autumn Leaves"...well, whatever it is, his whole cd reminds me of a chilled fall air :) (I think it is also because his album cover is in yellow, red and orange :) I feel as though nothing can go wrong in the fall time. It is a time of year that makes me just want to drive to the mountains and see the color change in the leaves, walk around in the crisp mountain air and pick apples. That's what I used to do as a little girl. My parents would take my brother and I up to Oak Glen on an early saturday or sunday morning (usually Sunday though because we would usually have soccer games on Saturdays). We would get a nice breakfast, walk around in the chilled, crisp air, all bundled up. We would look at a few of the gift shops and than see some of the other things like the petting zoo, and my favorite, the dinosaur museum. I loved going in there. As the day went on, we'd go to Riley's farm and pick apples, drink apple cider and eat a carmel apple. Ah...those days were magical!

It's kinda funny to me how I am so willing to see the changing of seasons come and I anticipate them, yet when new seasons of life come, I often do not have the same excitement as I do for the weather change. I guess it's only natural, but I wish I gave the same kind of excitement to every new season of my life and welcomed it with open arms. That is my goal for this up coming fall...to welcome new seasons in my life. I think I need to look at the old season and realize that I need to say good bye and welcome a new change even if it be one that I don't prefer. hmmmm...wish me luck :)

Fire and Rain

2008-08-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

You've all heard it, James Taylor's Fire and Rain song. Although, to me, the song makes me want to cry (perhaps because it is sad, perhaps because it was played during the car accident scene on the amazing movie of Remember the Titans), his lyrics are so true to our feeling sometimes. These are two sets of lines to his lyrics (the ones I felt were most prevalent to our current topic):

Ive seen fire and Ive seen rain
Ive seen sunny days that I thought would never end
Ive seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that Id see you again

Wont you look down upon me, jesus
Youve got to help me make a stand
Youve just got to see me through another day
My bodys aching and my time is at hand
And I wont make it any other way

Taylor not only talks about the Fire and Rain he has faced, but also the sunny day to which he "thought would never end", which is something I tend not to look at. I tend to look at the fire and rain. This song seems to just fit me at this moment of my life. I am so discouraged by so many things that when my financial aide letter came in today to tell me of the amount in which I would be receiving, I was put to tears. At first, I thought that I had a lot more than I did. Then I realized I was getting a only a tenth of what I shall be owing! I cried because I was under the impression that I would be getting quite a bit more. On top of it, I have to talk to my district manager tomorrow about some corruption going on at my work...and I have to be the tattle tell, which I hate, but feel responsible for doing so. My life seems so discouraging in so many aspects, yet when I think of of the apostles, like Paul, and martyrs, like Stephen, and even more recent ones, and what they had to endure...my problems seem such a waste of breathe to be complaining about. My problems were measily to theirs...I mean they were facing death and persecution for a cause of Christ...and I am crying when I think of my boy issues, work, family problems, school, financial, health or even the way I get discouraged about my appearance. I understand that times are different than they were back then, but still. It is discouraging to think about our worries when faced with people like Stephen and Paul or even things like the oppression in North Korea. We are SO lucky. I am not disregarding the problems we face because to each one his own problems. Life is hard and just because we are not being oppressed doesn't mean our life isn't difficult or trying, we just need to put our lives into perspective and just say, "God, Thank you that I am not in that situation and that you have protected me from a lot, but I am still hurt and need your help to get through my problems because they still feel overwhelming to me. If you shall notice in the last section of lyrics in James Taylor's song, he asks God to help him get through this time because he knows he cannot do it alone. James had it right, lets take his lead!

A prayer answered :)

2008-08-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

"Do you think it's discriminative that men can't have babies?" What!?!?! I asked myself. This question seemed absurd, yet that was the question I was asked from one of my first regular customers of the day when I clocked on at 9 am. I respond with my opinion on the matter and told him I didn't think so because that was the design and way in which we were created. We touched on the subject of God and then we quickly then got off onto the idea of women in leadership positions then, since women bear children and men have leadership roles. Oh no. I was slightly hesitant on continuing this conversation due to controversy and yet I continued it with him because although I am hesitant in those situations, I get so fired up and feisty when it comes to my beliefs, especially lately. We quickly, then got off onto the idea of Hillary Clinton as our president. The topic of conversation was so random to me and yet so connecting. We ended the conversation and a few minutes later, I went to go pull the blinds up where he was sitting. He looked perplexed and in deep thought. I asked him how he was doing and he just said he was thinking. I leaned on the back of the chair to let him know I was listening and really did want to know because, this morning particularly more than others, I REALLY did want to know. He started talking about how concerned he was. Concerned for mankind, concern for many different things. He was perplexed as he rambled a for a few moments. He spoke as though he was talking over the ideas in his head and I wasn't grasping every idea he was trying to bring to the table because of that. As he was mumbling his thought and trying to grasp them himself, I sat there and prayed. I prayed for him, I prayed for me, I prayed that I would be used by God, I prayed for His help and I prayed for clarity. Shortly thereafter he rambled through his messy thoughts with the words "no hope". Right there! That was it! That was my open and I knew I needed to take it. I told him I knew what he was talking about with today's society and how ignorant and selfish we are and that there is no hope for mankind...without God. I told him what I believed and he sat patiently and caringly and listened. His face showed emotion and deep thought as he sat there. I told Him about God's love and grace. I told him how I can't imagine not knowing God's love because I have so much more hope than I could even imagine by just looking at our world and the sin it is dwelling in. This world is so messed up and yet I am so joyful that I am on God's side. I spoke of how without God, there is no hope. I told him hoe I have a hope in something greater. I made sure when I talked about the fallen world, I also brought up the fact that I am a sinner, just like everyone else, but because God is grace, he forgives me and that I do mess up sometimes. I spoke of God's sovereignty and His justice and that even though this world is messed up and it seems as though God has just left us to fend for ourselves, he also lets us make our own choices and many choose to do the wrong thing. I mean, if we had a utopia, then there would be no point to God. No reason to love Him. No reason for His love or grace. Life would be meaningless. We talked back and forth on this subject as I spoke. I told him that my hope was in God because when I put my hope in mankind, I am only let down all the more...I have been hurt a lot. I can't really remember why, but I brought up the idea of passion and I spoke of how we are not passionate people. I brought up Paul (whom is my hero in case you did not know this already), and how that was a sign of passion. He was familiar with the Bible and agreed that the writings in which were contained in this book, we written by people with a passion. Passion is a topic that I, which is funny to say, but I am passionate about. Am a very passionate person. I have burdens for my passions in which not many would understand. I am passionate about my God and Savior. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest for Christ, I am passionate about knowledge even though I cannot comprehend everything. God has gifted me with a passion. Yet, it is mainly for Him. I explained to this man that I could not understand it, but that I am most joyful when I am serving God, especially when I am with my kids at youth group. I could be having the worst week of my life, yet my soul is renewed when I step in the mushroom shaped building and see my girls! I am passionate about relationships, which is maybe why I chose to talk to him in such great length (although it was really ALL God in which any of this conversation ever happened). Our conversation quickly turned to the subject of joy. I told Him that my God sent His son to die for me and this fallen world and that not many people would die for a noble man. The sin in which this world lives in is horrendous and yet for God to send his perfect and blameless Son to die for the filth in my life and the lives of people in general, that is love. I told him how I am learning to be joyful because despite my circumstances in life (which have seemed unbearable at sometimes). The joy that I am actually starting to have since I have really been pursing it, has actually been such a blessing because even though I am not always happy at my circumstances, JESUS DIED FOR ME and has shown me love, mercy and grace, so how could I not have a joy. The world lacks joy and leans only on the feelings of a temporal happiness. Our conversation was so good and I thanked God for the opportunity that I had with this man. Although I had to get back to work and he had to get to an important phone call, he told me later he enjoyed talking to me and to hear what I had to say. I told him the same.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
This is my prayer for that man and for you and myself as well!

God is AMAZING, incase you haven't noticed ;) If you read my post a couple posts ago, my prayer was that I would be able to speak to people at my school about God and not wimp out because I felt so passionate about it. Although it was not at school, God used me for His plans in a better way than I had planned, which is SO much better than using me for the plans I have now don't you think? Like they say..."Father knows best!" :) Speaking of though, on a slight side note, God also did use me at school, or at least I hope he does. I had to post my thought on world views and the four major world views (the topic was theology) which include Secular Humanism, Marxism-Leninism, Cosmic Humanism and Biblical Christianity. I talked about each, but of course, when it came Biblical Theology, I had to give the gospel :) One thing that I learned while I was writing my post, was that looking at each of the world views. They were all man-centered and how man was the sum of all things, and yet Biblical Theology is about "In the Beginning, God..." It is a religion which is so based on something bigger than one's self, which is SO unlike our society in which everything is about ME and not to mention the fact that it is also about being independent and doing everything for yourself! Man, God really showed me a lot. I love my God and can't even express how grateful I feel that He chose me to be His child. Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to speak of you. Thank you for being there and helping me. I know that I was not graceful in my speak with this man, yet as 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 says, it does not matter of my speech because I am nothing and yet God's AMAZING power will get across what needs to get across because it is of His power and not my words that people come to God. Thank God for that! :) It's all God, for I am nothing. "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:36)

I don't want a circumstantial Joy

2008-08-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

For my 21st birthday several weeks ago, I was given a book by my mom. It was one she had started writing her journal entries in when I was 2 years old. I was told to read it on my own sometime and since I remembered about it today, I started it. I sat there and laughed as she wrote about my quirky two year old years and singing all the time and found myself, shortly there after crying as I got into my junior high years. Life was so easy until I hit junior high...I read as she wrote all the way up until my 21st birthday, discussing my parents divorce, issues of self hatred that I had, anger, pain, sickness', surgeries, my broken heart, rejection, car accidents, and death and I just cried. Yet through out all of the entries, my mom wrote about Joy. Her prayer for me was always to be joyful, which ironically is something that for a while now, I have been trying to have, even when my situations have left me unhappy. I once read this book that said "Joy, unfortunately, is often reserved for pinnacle experiences-when it is meant to be the background music to my everyday life." That is what I have been trying to avoid...making joy only appear when things are good. I don't want a circumstantial joy. I want joy to be the theme song to my life...the thing that defines me in my difficult circumstances. I know I won't always be happy, but I want to always be joyful. My mom wrote about how betrayed she was by my father and yet it didn't seem so bad when she thought of how our Savior was betrayed by the ones he loved and because of that, he was killed. For our sake, Christ endured that rejection, so she knew she too could endure through it with the help of Christ. The love my mom has for God is SO evident and even though I always knew my mom was a Godly woman, reading this gave me a greater respect and longing to be like her in my trials. She wrote to me "Maybe you feel like I've let too much go with Dad, and maybe I have. But I've also learned a lot about the hurt and betrayal Christ must have felt from those he loved, and I know my sufferings are not like His." She was so mature to know that even though she was in pain, the pain that Christ endured was beyond what she had experienced, so she knew she could get through this. My heart aches when I think of all the things I have gone through and the pain that was experienced, but I know I am not alone in this and every trial (which since jr. high has seemed endless) has brought me closer to God and growing in Love for Him. I get discouraged often when I think of how I have already faced a lot and know I have more burdens coming my way, but the only thing I can do is ask God to help me face them with His help and to trust Him the whole time. That is my biggest fear...that I will get into another trial and just be so worn down from all the rest that I won't be able to get out. I think that is because I try to use my own strength a lot. I am strong willed and don't really like relying on others because I have only been let down by people, but God is teaching me to rely on His strength and not my own. My prayer for you and me is that we can live our lives with Joy as our background music to our lives and not be stuck in our circumstantial emotions of being happy. Happy is a feeling which is only momentary, but Joy is not momentary to our lives and circumstances. It is what we thrive on and helps us put our lives in to perspective that even though we may not be happy, we can be joyful because of the love and grace of our Savior. He has given us more than we can know, so being Joyful is what we should be. This life is the only hell in which we must live in, which, Thank God, is so good to hear. We will never suffer eternally but instead, we shall live forever praising our Lord and Saviour once we leave this earth. I have never really wanted to go to heaven soon because I didn't want to miss out on the joys of marriage, family, careers, etc, But I actually have gotten to this point in my life that has made me realize, if I never had any of that before I died or before Christ's return...I would be okay because I would be in Heaven praising my God! How much more could I want than being in the presence of God praising Him. I still desire those things, but if God were to come tomorrow, I would have no regrets on that because of who I was with. I love my God and I owe Him my everything, especially my Joy. He is the giver of Joy and so delighting in Him is what He deserves. Because of what I have been given, there is no excuse for my lack of Joy. It's so cheesy but true, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." When life sucks and you can't find happiness, remember there is something you can do about it and be joyful in Christ. Base your life on joy in Christ rather than temporal happiness. I know if I based my life on happiness, I'd definitely not be okay. The amount of times I have cried and been hurt or burdened by sickness, has overwhelmed me, but it has all taught me something about new about God and His Love and therefore that makes me more joyful at my situation even though I wasn't happy. I pray that we as Christians can remember that because that is one thing I seem to forget. I realize not many people read my blog, but know that I am praying for you...whatever God may be doing with you, and that He uses you for His glory and that your joy and love for Christ would shine to those who don't believe :) I love you all and even more encouraging...God's love for you is immeasurable and unimaginable for us :) I hope that helps, because that definitely is encouraging to me :)

New School, New Attitude :)

2008-08-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

So, instead of the usual post topics of Love, God, Heartbreak and what God can do through love and heartbreak...I am taking a step out and telling you the AMAZING story of my night! I had my first night of class at Chapman University and REALLY LIKED it! My teacher is wonderful! I quite possibly love him and would marry him had he not been twice my age and be a newly married man with a wife from China (Mail-order bride if you ask me :) haha just kidding). No, but seriously, this man is such a sweet older man and I am SO excited about his class! It is going to be a lot of work, but it'll keep me busy from the cares in this world! It is a liberal studies college foundations class, but we are talking about worldviews! I am so excited and my deepest prayer right now is that I can make some kind of impact in this class on other people...for whomever may read this, please keep me in your prayers for this because for whatever reason, I was SO excited when he brought up this topic because I just want to tell people about my AWESOME God and Savior! My struggle here is sounding like a complete idiot and Jesus Freak in a lame sense! I want to turn people on about God and I understand I may sound foolish to them because even the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 that the wisdom of God seems foolish to the world, but my goal here is to not sound like every Christian on television that is portrayed as a idiot and as fake! PLEASE pray for me because this is not my strong point nor do I like being so out there about my faith because of reject but for whatever reason, I am pumped to show God's love and share my worldview! Besides, would I rather reject God in a small sense by not sharing my beliefs, or be rejected by man whom isn't Deity and who's opinion doesn't matter if I am sharing about my God and Savior???? AHHH...I am stoked and yet scared! Our God is AMAZING and why shouldn't I want others to know about it?

I just realized, I said I was taking a break from the usual topics, one being God, and yet I didn't :) Oops! When you think about it...I'm not sure that I can take God out of any topic because even though I may not specifically reference Him, he is always within every topic in life! That's what's great about God! He is involved in EVERY part of my life and I should take note of that :) even though I sometimes don't, which is sad. That's my goal for the rest of this week, to see God in EVERY aspect of my life...Every shift, every class, every relationship, every event that I have this week...God is the reason I have the life to have those relationships, take those classes, have that job!!! Everything I should be doing to the glory of God, like making Frappuccinos, pumping gas, walking out of my house!!!! Man! These are things that are so simple and yet so complex to bring God into and bring Him glory for! This week my prayer is that you and I both will learn to take every thought and action and use it to glorify God and to thank Him. That is hard and I am not perfect, so it won't happen to perfection, but the more and more we become aware of doing, I pray that it becomes easier to do such a thing, and without even forcing ourselves to do so!! How amazing would that be! Who ever reads this, know that I am praying this same thing for you this week :) Obviously I don't know who will, but it's a good thing my God does :) Peace out and I love you...I truly do!

Hmmm...

2008-08-18T23:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe I need to rethink my thoughts. These are my thoughts....I am closed off and plan to stay that way. They key to my heart has been slowly turned and the returned so many times that I think I will throw away the key. It doesn't seem a treasure worth opening up anymore. Nothing special seems to lie in there or at least that's wha I feel I am being told. Why should I give you the key when you will only return it? It seems better to never loved or liked than to be left broken. Why are hearts so often broken and not often enough mended? We need more people in this world who can do a good mending job. I guess if there were many of those, than we wouldn't rely on God as much. Thank God for His comfort....for knowing that when our plans of love don't work out, it is because of a more God glorifying plan than we could have imagined.

"It takes courage to stay awake to possibility-to keep bringing a hungry heart back to God, over and over, until he says it's time to let go. It takes faith to believe that if God says no to a good dream...it means God is up to do something that will eventually, have His glory written all over it."

(This is me rethinking my thoughts)
...To me, that is so hard and yet so encouraging. It's hard to keep coming back to God with my hurt heart and yet still desire to have a relationship with a man. I think until I can learn that I need to give God my heart, so I don't keep coming back and giving it to Him when it's injured, only to fix it, that is when i will be ready for another person to have it. It's just hard, but it's also at that point that when that person comes into my life, our relationship will be more God glorifying than it could have been with any other man :) That is encouraging! True Love is the kind my Savior and God have for me! I love my God, for who else would be there for me, a measly, imperfect, undeserved woman, forever?

Do I have a sign on my forehead? (Part 2)

2008-08-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

So I just wanted to say, in regards to my last post, that I don't think all boys are evil or are like that...nor do I think any of those boys meant to do what they did to me... I just think guys need to be more conscientious in what they do or say. The reason I wrote that was because I just heard of that happening to a friend of mine and it completely saddened me because I knew what she was going through and it brought back my emotions on the subject. Anyways, I read this quote by Jane Austen that says, "I CANNOT THINK WELL OF A MAN WHO SPORTS WITH ANY WOMAN'S FEELINGS; AND THERE MAY OFTEN BE A GREAT DEAL MORE SUFFERED THAN A STANDER-BY CAN JUDGE OF." It's true. Men often play with a women's heart, whether by purpose or by accident and yet they do not understand the effects that this can have on her. For me, I am a person who loves to love people so when I get close to someone, it is because I want to be. I want to do things for people I care about. I want to make them happy, I want to make them laugh, I want to be there for every tear. This goes for girls and guys, but when it comes to guys I feel like every time I do that, I almost give a little slice of my heart away...I don't know why it is. I guess it's that need I have inside to take care of someone and make them feel better...maybe that's why I always longed to be in the medical profession, I felt I'd find it that way. I could be wrong, but I feel like with out meaning to, guys lead girls on because of this sub-conscious desire to be wanted and liked by a girl, but without any commitment. I am not trying to be mean and so that is why I believe that they don't mean to do it, but in order to boost their own self-esteem or self-worth factor that they feel needs to be met, I feel as though they lead women on who care too much. That would be me. I care for people and possibly sometimes too much. Maybe that's why I get hurt. At any rate, the only advice I have to guys is to stop boosting your own ego because although it is fun and games, becoming close to a girl does things to her that you won't even begin to understand, so when you drop her like she's hot...she hurt beyond your belief. Trust me...this happened to me and I cried for pretty much 4 months straight. Girls, just be cautious as to who and how you give your heart away.

Do I have a sign on my forehead?

2008-08-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to wonder if I have a sign on my forehead that I can't see but guys can...I believe it reads "I will listen to you and care for you and then you can lead me on..." This seems to be the story of my life. I apparently have a way to make many guys feel comfortable talking to me and sharing things with me, which makes my mind insane trying to figure out why every guy can just pour their hearts and souls out on me and not have me wonder where this is going. Don't get me wrong. I love having strong relationships with people where they feel comfortable talking to me....but at this stage in my life it is hard for me not to want more from a guy who would pour his thoughts onto my plate. I just feel used sometimes...like a book that people come in and read at the library or banes and noble and love it, but only want to read it and never buy it...it's a sad thought to be enjoyed by someone but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, they only liked the connection and the way you made them feel rather than you. They don't like you enough to buy you but they will keep coming back to read you and enjoy the way you make them feel... It's a sad thought, yet with the three relationships I have had with guys...this has been the case. There is something about me that makes some guys just talk to me like he wouldn't others and yet he will never look at me like I would want him to. Timing has never been right, and that's okay, but I have begun to wonder why I even bother. I am tired of being the book in barnes and noble that everyone reads and loves, yet never enough to buy. I know someday, I will be bought and it will be worth it, but for now...I am just tired and feel used...

Better Than My Dreams... :)

2008-07-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

I just started reading the book Better Than My Dreams...a book that brings hope to the fact that sometimes OUR dreams fail and yet God has so much more planned for us, even if it feels as though their is no hope. I rarely have time to read it seems like, but when your flying five hours into Maryland, you find time. I slept the first part of the trip, read the first two chapters in this good book and then spent the rest of the flight reflecting on it. God’s grace is just waiting to be revealed even in disappointing situations that may make us feel as though we have no hope left to have in Him or any further desires towards our dreams. This book hit close to home for me for several disappointments in my life but most pertaining to men. I’ve had so many men fail me in in my life that I’ve been debating on not even dealing with them and remaining single for the rest of my life. It seems so much easier that way, isn’t it? I have always had a dream to get married and after seeing my parents marriage fail, having as rough childhood with my own father and brother (mainly my father but that’s a whole different story), and then falling in love and having my heart trampled on and ripped out of my chest...it seemed easier to give up on that dream. I still like the idea of someone loving me and wanting me, but any time I get close to anything, even a date, I freak out and don’t want to follow though. I am slowing giving up this dream of a husband and family...and why? Just because of a few disappointments in life? Yes. I’ve found myself stuck inside one of Dave Matthews Band songs. In the song The Idea of you. It says “I fall, so hard inside of the idea of you...I want to stay but I think I’m getting out of here, I fall so hard inside the idea of you.” I like the idea of someone being my companion and being the one that together, we can glorify God even more than I could imagine doing alone, yet I get scared of rejection or the breaking of hearts, so I have started closing my heart off. As I was reading the book I found myself getting convicted for giving up on God and leaving no hope in Him or His plans. I mean maybe He hasn’t planned for me to be married, but to give up hope is to give up on God slowly. I have been realizing how much of our lives need balance and this case is not an exception. We need to realize God’s power to do something but also realize that that doesn’t mean he will give us every dream we have or even the way we want it. We don’t like to hear that though...I mean I’d rather hear that God wanted me to have everything I wanted, but then it would be about me and not Him, now wouldn’t it? I think perseverance when our dreams our crushed takes a lot, but in the end is worth it. Paula Rinehart, the author of Better than my Dreams said, “It takes such courage to stay awake to possiblity-to keep bringing a hungry heart to God, over and over, until he says it’s time to let go. It takes faith to believe that if God says no to a good dream...it means God is up to do something that will, eventually, have his glory written all over it.” Deep down, that is really all I want...His glory. It’s just hard living in this world and being disappointed because we are only human. I know for myself, it’s hard having dreams crushed because it has already happened to me several times in the past year. I didn’t get accepted into the university I wanted to go to, God finally slammed the door on my career after several times of slowly shutting the door, and my heart was crushed by the man I had been praying for for over a year. God is going to take all my heartaches and pain and use it for something that was even better than my dreams, for His glory...which in case you didn’t know, is why we are here...ultimately for God’s glory...not my plans for my life, for I am not God and don’t know what’s really good for me.

This Ones for the Girls!

2008-07-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

Girls...this ones for you! I once listened to this song by Bethany Dillon. My heart clung to these lyrics because I felt exactly what she was saying. These are the lyrics to her song "Beautiful".

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I heard this song and I thought of how much I wanted to be that for a man someday...Beautiful, make him stand in awe, he'd look in my heart and be amazed, who I am was okay with him, and that I was worthy of his love and beautiful. I was so sad every time I heard this song because I heard the longing inside of her that I could relate to. I actually cried a couple of time when I heard it...I always really only listened to the first part though. If you read the last part, I at first thought it was someone finally taking notice of her and loving her for her...but as I thought, I think that she possibly was relating it to how God makes us...He makes us beautiful, He should make us stand in awe of what he can do, He came into our hearts and that feeling is amazing, All we are is enough for Him for He loves us despite our humanly failures. God is AMAZING! Despite what our human nature tells us...NO MAN COULD EVER DO ALL THAT. There are some great guys out there and they can be like that to us, but NO MAN can show us the love and makes us be beautiful like the Father can. God is where our true beauty lies...Don't believe the lies that beauty is only found within appearance. We all believe those lies. It's time we start examining our hearts before we start examining ourselves in the mirror. I tell you this only because I believe we get too caught up in our looks and our body size, I mean I do too, but no guy will EVER love us like God and He is the one whom really counts in this world, yeah? Start focusing on what REALLY matters ladies! Let the light of God shine through you before you let someone else's light shine through you. Be SO in love with God that if no one ever loved you romantically in this life, you would be okay because of the true love you have with God. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

A breather from the serious topics :)

2008-07-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write about something not so serious..."What's this?", you may ask...well it's my amazing story of my amazing night! I thoroughly enjoy concerts, so, Monday night, I had one of the best nights of my life at a coldplay concert with my friends Jared, Ryan, and Kristyn. I drove down with Ryan and Kristyn and we met up with Jared. I hadn't seen Jared in ages, so it was SO great to see him again! I can't even explain how much fun the concert was! We stood there...in the nose bleeds (no exaggeration...we were in the last row at the very top of the forum!), and yet we were lovin' it! They are amazing in concert and about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way through this amazing concert...Chris Martin (the lead singer) says he's tired of singing on stage so he comes out to the crowd! Jared and I are freaking out and jump up on our chairs! They come closer...and closer...and closer...and are in our section!!! Jared grabbed my arm and we ran down the stairs to get closer! We were like 50ish feet coldplay and Chris Martin! They played "Yellow" and I will never forget that moment! It was an indescribably amazing moment in time! Jared and I were freaking out the whole time! Ahhh...the memories! It was such a blast. After the most amazing concert of our lives was over... :(.... we got out and drove to find the nearest bathroom...and in L.A. at midnight, this is no easy task! We went from gas station to gas station and even ran across the streets, nearly being killed by cars...haha...it was a crazy, yet unforgettable night :) AMAZING music, great friends, running in the streets of L.A....what could be better? :)

Conviction

2008-07-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

HELEN KELLER once said...
"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker."

That quote was very convicting to me. I have always desired to do something great and noble, so I have a hard time doing small things. For me, especially, I am convicted with this in the area of my job. I work at Starbucks but am challenged everyday by the tasks in which I do...cleaning, dealing with rude customers, sometimes having employee issues...it's draining..and for what? So someone can drink a cup of coffee that they are ungrateful for? That is my basic attitude towards my job. I have my better days and my worse days, but I look forward to the days in which I am out of Starbucks, have my degree and am on my way to my passion...full time ministry. I have noticed that that is when and where my joy in Christ is overwhelming...when I am serving God and knowing it, like when I am with my kids at youth group. (I LOVE them by the way :) When I read this quote though I was convicted by the fact that no matter where I am...I am to be serving God. Though it is not in a huge way (like we think of missions trips of being), I am a servant of Christ, even at Starbucks, and need to show it in my everyday life. I know that this quote is not necessarily a spiritual one, but I am looking at it from my Christian perspective... Just my thoughts...

We are far too easily pleased...

2008-07-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

I read this quote today by Jeph Jacques: "You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are." It struck me, we are far to easily pleased with ourselves. We think about not living up to others standards and being happy with ourselves and who we are. I think that this is definitely something that humans live by all the time and yet we, as Christians, seem to live by just the same, even though we should be living differently. It's not that I think that we should conform to others standards of us, but I think we are all too often satisfied in who we are and become comfortable. We become comfortable in the fact that we are Christians and are saved by the grace of God...but what are we doing with that??? I feel like many Christians, myself included, get satisfied with their relationship with God and think "Well, I'm saved, I 'love' God, I pray and read my Bible...so I think my relationship with God is good." Notice it all has to do with "I" though? It seems as though it is this relationship that we are okay once we are saved. We are caught in this self-centered life that worries about our career and other meaningless activities that we become satisfied with our relationship with God and our love for Him. I think that the moment we are satisfied with our relationship with God is when we should be worried. Romans 3:10-12;18 says, "as it is written: No one is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one....There is no fear of God before their eyes." We suck. We do not deserve God or His grace, yet he has freely GIVEN it to us and saved us. How much more should we worship Him, knowing that we deserve nothing but Hell and are given Heaven and a Love from God that no one deserves?!? Think about a time when you purposefully wronged someone undeservingly. Most people would feel horrible after...and what if that person was hurt, but did not retaliate and forgave you for it? I truly enjoy the movie "You've Got Mail". I love when Meg Ryan, who plays Kathleen Kelly, is thinking about how all she wants to do is hurt Tom Hanks, a.k.a Joe Fox, who wronged her. She envy's people who can just say what they want when they want to and yet when she gets the opportunity to do so and says what she wants to say, she feels horrible, saying, "I was able, for the first time in my life, to say the exact thing I wanted to say it. And of course, afterwards, I felt terrible. Just as you said I would." As the story progresses, Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly fall in love despite the fact that both wronged the other. After we get past these emotions, we usually apologize and try to fix things because of our strong convictions. Why is it that, God, who sent His Son to save us and gave us forgiveness even though we don't deserve it, it is never as important to fix and progress our relationship with, as it is with others? He deserves our love and I think we all too often take it for granted. We live our lives just cruising along as people who are happy with whom we are and never strive to be better for the God whom deserves all we have. We think, “well, I have done this or this” or maybe we just believe that believing is enough. All too often we get caught in this state in which we are satisfied and so we do nothing to progress the kingdom of God. We think, “I am not as bad as a murderer, so I am okay”. We may look at our lives and think we are not that bad, yet what are we doing for God? We can be doing so much more for God and even though keeping the commands are good, we should also being acting out of love for our Savior as an act of worship for all he has saved us from.
Our culture tells us that we don’t love ourselves enough (hence all the self-esteem books) and we need to be happy with who we are and yet the truth is that we love ourselves TOO much! Even Jesus knew this was the case or he would not have commanded, “And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt 22:39), when questioned by the pharisees as to what the greatest command was (Jesus’ response was to love God first and this was the second). Jesus knew we loved ourselves far too much and therefore we need to spread on that love that God has given to us to show to others rather than keeping that love to ourselves. Here is my point. Because we are all too satisfied in our “God loves me and I’m going to heaven” mode...we don’t work on furthering the kingdom of Christ by loving God more and not being satisfied with our relationship with God. Although we do not need works to get to heaven, because of our Love for Christ and our realization that we deserve nothing that we have been given, we should WANT to do everything we can for our God. Ya know? Being in a place of satisfaction is a scary place to be because we should never be okay with doing the bare minimum. We should always strive for more, knowing that we are doing it for the one we love and not get to a place of comfort where we slack off in our relationship with God, thinking that “well He will Love me no matter what I do”. Although it is true, we should always want to do what is right because we want to obey our God... ...I think back at stories where one man has saved another’s life and the one being saved feels indebted to the saver that he will do anything for him because of the rescuers love and risk to save him. An example of this is in the movie “White Christmas” (also another one of my favorites :). In the middle of a war, Danny Kaye is saved by Bing Crosby. He thanks him and follows him, wanting to do anything for the man because he had saved his life and although that is not the main point of the movie, that small theme strikes me as ironic. This small part in the movie should be our life’s story....God saved us and we, as thankful men and women, should want nothing more than to follow and please our God...not because we need to “pay” God back but because of our fear and Awe of God, we willingly do so. God deserves our all, so lets give it to Him!

Thank you, heartbreak for life!

2008-06-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things I had to go through...I never thought I’d thank God for, yet since God is faithful...I am. About a year and a half ago, in January, the thoughts of an old friend came to my head and as I began to think of him, many a thoughts ran in my head, but the thing I remember the most is that I felt this tugging on my heart, prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray for him. When I say friend, I mean more of an acquaintance-friend. We had met when I was 15, going on 16. He had spent the whole summer interning at our church with our youth pastor. We met up again when I was 17 going on 18 for another missions trip. I never thought about him so for him to pop into my mind was unusual. As time went on I not only prayed for him everyday, but I also began to wonder about him and why I felt prompted to pray for him. Was his ministry in trouble? Was he married and struggling? Was he in a family crisis? I had no idea but many a thoughts ran in my head. For six months, I prayed for him everyday. I can’t remember a day when I didn’t pray for him. As I did this, I felt my heart feeling more for him...and for no apparent reason. I thought to myself “Why do you feel like this? You hardly know the guy and never felt like this about him before...besides, he’s probably married or has a girlfriend.” Time moved on, my prayers continued and my thoughts on him increased. June rolled around and I had decided I needed to change churches, for the church that I had been going to had become too shallow in it’s teaching and wasn’t feeding me spiritually. I went to the church that my former youth pastor moved to to become the head pastor. I loved it there...there was absolutely no way I was leaving. After my first week of being at my new church home, I found that my friend, who was several states away, was moving...to my home town, to be the youth pastor. I was excited, scared and sick. I hadn’t seen him in two years so it would be a nice reunion. “...but who am I kidding”, I thought to myself, “he probably doesn’t even remember me”. I prayed to God right then and there that He would help me. I didn’t want to think that just because I had randomly thought about him, had been praying for him for six months prior to my knowledge of him moving, and started developing a crush, that God was going to make us fall in love and live happily ever after. In fact, I even prayed that I would not get involved in the youth group, be friends with him or anything because my heart felt so vulnerable, that I knew I would fall hard and fast if I did. It wasn’t that i thought that God couldn’t bring he and I together, but I didn’t want to assume that would be the outcome. I had asked God to help me to not let my heart get involved and to simply not pursue anything. I truly wanted to follow God, so I did not want to just think that since I had been praying for him 5 months prior, that God would have him be in my life. I did not want to think it as merely a coincidence, yet I did not want to think of it as a supernatural thing either. I wanted to stay mutual and just let it be what it would be. I prayed that I would keep my head straight and my heart steady.
When he arrived a couple weeks later to the church, I was so nervous. He had spotted me during the church service when he went up on stage to be introduced. After church, he came over to say hi to me. I was sort of surprised he even remembered me, yet the fact that he did, made my heart melt even more. He and I had been invited out to lunch by our friends who had also been on the missions trip with us. I reluctantly agreed. As lunch was nearing an end, he asked for my help in the youth group. I was hesitant and said that I didn’t want to. I had already been working the two years prior with a youth group and had decided that this year would be my year off. He asked again. I told him if he REALLY needed it, I would help. We exchanged numbers and my heart was in a dilemma. It was only a crush, but I was scared of what it might become. Somewhat against my own will, but wanting to be nice, I gave into him and began working with the youth ministry. I did not want to miss an opportunity for God because of my own fears. He started getting involved with some of the young adults in the church and they invited me to numerous places over the summer. I didn’t really know them all that well, so I joined for a few events but not many. I denied many offers in attempt to hold off the friendship and not cave in. As time went on, he and his room-mate stopped hanging out with those people and requested my company more. I started caving in, feeling very flattered that they would rather have my company! Not long after, I was spending nearly every evening with them either watching movies of going to dinner. We had all bonded a friendship that I will never forget. They had become my best friends. He and I texted nearly everyday and talked about things you only confide in a close person to. I almost went away for school in January, but after feeling like they didn’t want me to leave and feeling like too many things were holding me back...I stayed home, plus i had a better option for the coming fall. I tried not to let my feelings get in the way and tried to like other people, but it just wasn’t happening. After nearly 7 months of being best friends...I still questioned how he felt, I had mixed emotions to how he felt. I found myself feeling such strong feelings that I was worried that if he didn’t feel the same and started dating someone else, I would be crushed. After thoughts playing over in my head and many-a-nights crying, wondering whether or not I was just being stupid...I took a step back and looked at my thought life. It consisted of nearly 24/7 thoughts on a man who probably didn’t think or feel the same about me, but instead, would rather be my best friend. I laughed at myself in disgust and thought “If only I thought that way about God...every thought consumed with Him.” That’s when I realized...I needed to tell him. “WHAT!?!” I said to myself. I couldn’t do that. But after feeling like God was telling me...”Jeni...you need to let go and start consuming your thoughts on me”. He was right...of course. I asked to meet with him and we talked. I was soon to find out that he didn’t feel the same about me. Our meeting went well and I felt relieved...until hours later when it all sank in and I was crushed. I could not get over the situation. I was in denial at first...I thought it was only a crush. Time went on, my tears flowed like a rain storm and that was when I realized I had started falling in love with him. I finally admitted it and used the “L” word. After I told him that i had feelings for him, I seemed to lose all friendship. A month and a half after that dreaded day, I also found out I was not accepted into the college that I had relied on for the fall. I felt so broken and did not understand. Only days after the rejection letter, I decided after many attempts into this certain field, I needed to give up. It seemed like one rejection after another. I didn’t want to give up because once I start something like that, I finish it, but with God’s prompting, i did so. I stopped pursing that career and dropped my physiology class for it was of no use to me now. Immediately I felt a burden was lifted. I had no idea what I’d do, but for once in my life, I felt myself actually trusting God. I had made connections at work that I had never had before, I was able to be with my friend in the hospital as she nearly died, and I grew even closer to the girls in my youth group. With the help of an old friend and past youth leader, I was reminded of my old passion of inner city ministries. I felt as though God really wanted me to pursue that again, but with everything I had, so I tried. I had so much going for me with these new opportunities, yet I still cried nearly everyday about him. I hated myself for not being able to get over it and move on, but I couldn’t. I wanted to move to another State and continue my education elsewhere but I applied too late to the colleges. My next choice was Northern California. I was ready to start my life on a blank slate. I talked this over with my pastor, whom is like a father to me, and he made me realize what I was leaving behind...my family, my ministry, and my life, just so I could run away from my problems. I had made such great connections with the girls in my youth group and to leave them high and dry was unfair. Plus, I would be leaving behind quite possibly the biggest ministry opportunity ever. I was asked to work/volunteer as a coordinator for service projects. God has opened up doors to a ministry that I have always wanted. It took a heartbreak and many closed doors for God to get my attention on what He really wants me to be doing, His ministry. That has always been my desire, but I never saw it reachable, for I thought I needed a “real” career.
It’s been 4 months since I told that boy a hint of my feelings and I still cry sometimes, but I know that through all of this, God has a purpose and it is drawing me closer to Him so that I might learn to glorify Him with all I have. I would give my life for my Lord, so a heartbreak is nothing if that is what Christ willed for me so that I may be doing works for His Kingdom. "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." Romans 11:36 God has given me an abundance of things and for me to be mad at God because I had to think about this person months before hand is unreasonable. Who am I to question a Holy and Graceful God, whom is Omniscient and knows far more than I can even imagine? If my time of suffering somehow brings about good for God’s kingdom, than so be it. “But he (Jesus) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so that the power of Christ my rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Although, unfortunately, I cannot say that I was as strong as Paul (the author of the verse above) was the whole time, I can say that I am trying...Trying to boast or be joyful in midst of my weakness, knowing that God, my Father, knows best and that He will not abandon me. My prayer is that I remain steadfast amongst my trials. I truly think that it took my pain and suffering through my heartache for God to get my attention and say he wants me to do more for Him, so thank you heartache for the life that is ahead of me in the ministry of God. All glory be to my God and King for He is Faithful.

What are you doing Jeni?

2008-06-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

Being nearly 21 years old, I don't see myself as dying any time soon. That is an ignorant thought though. James 4:14 says "-yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." I am a mist. A small and temporary being. I am not promised what Americans may call a "full" life. I may be taken tomorrow. But the thought occurred to me in Bible Study last night... what are you doing Jeni? Your life is a vapor...a mist...a temporary thing. Are living it as Christ would will for you? I thought long and hard as more and more questions compounded on my heart. How am I living my life for Christ? Over the past year and a half I have really seen a change in my heart for Christ and I have just not wanted to waste my life, yet as this yearning had increased, so have my trials. I always felt like once I got out of school and got into my career, then I could focus on Christ and furthering His kingdom. For a 1 and 1/2 years now, I have felt the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart saying...okay that's all great and dandy if you are living your life for you, but why are you here? You are here for God. You are here for Him, not you, so what are you going to do with the time you have left? How are you being a good steward wo what the Lord has given you?... I wasn't sure what to do about my career options, considering I was already on my pathway to a good career, so I kept following it. After nearly 5 shut doors, I felt God telling me to completely change my direction. I was scared because I didn't know the direction and I had already gone so far. For the first time in my life, I trusted God. I followed him blindfolded and quit the path I was on, which was extremely hard because I hate quitting because of mere difficulty. Along the way I have started to peak out of the blindfold, but God just reminds me to trust Him. He is leading me into a path of ministry that I have always wanted, and if the Lord wills, I will hopefully be doing a fully time ministry in a year or so. I cannot wait for this opportunity if the Lord wills it. My daily prayer just needs to be that I am not here for myself and that I am here for God. This yearning to not waste my life is upon me and to be a good steward to what I have been so graciously given.

Let's go back to the idea of the mist. A mist is small and seemingly insignificant, but when more and more mist is accumulated, it can nourish back to health. I know it sounds funny, but think about it. Your hiking in the mountains on a very hot summer day. Your sweating and feeling faint. You grab out your spray water bottle that has a mister on the end. You use it on the low setting, but it's not enough...but when you turn it to the high setting, your body starts to cool down and you feel refreshed again. The mist vanishes, but the cooling vapor had an impact. If we all joined together, even though our lives are like vapors and gone, we could still have a lasting impact on others. If we all used the little bit of time that we do have, for Christ, we could have such a lasting impact on our world. So my question for you is what are you doing? What are we doing as the body of Christ to further His kingdom? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." If we stood together as a body of Christ, our mists could become more like water have an even more lasting effect. Though we cannot change the number of our days, we can change the amount of impact we have on our world around us. Let dream big and start small! What are we doing for Christ?

LOVE

2008-06-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

Love...that word is thrown around far too much with such little meaning for the word. "I LOVE pizza", "I LOVE the Angels", "I LOVE Brad Pitt"...and countless other things we say we love through out the day. Our society has such a skewed view of love. Love is seen as a temporary and conditional thing rather than as what love was meant by God to be...lasting and unconditional. No wonder kids are getting pregnant and people are having affairs, getting divorces and, God forbid, killing one another...they love the other person just about as much as they love there favorite dish at Chili's or baseball team. Bare with me here as we look at this idea... "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life"...how many time have you read that verse and just said "WOW..God's great" or just thought nothing at all? I know I grew up hearing John 3:16 nearly every week in sunday school. Let's really look at this verse though..."For God so loved the world"...this is telling us we are about to find out how much God loved us. "...that He gave his one and only Son...". That right there is something to think about... Whether you have kids, want kids or are still a kid yourself... think about this one... You are a parent for the first time. It's a son. You bring your child home from the hospital, sit and just watch him sleep as you think of all of the things this child will do with his life one day, the sports he will play, the girl he will marry and so on. You were so lucky because you were able to have this child, yet you find out you will never be able to have children again. How would you feel if you knew you had to give you one and only child away...to death none the less? What amazes me even more than the fact that God gave his one and only son to us, is what we are about to see. "...that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." I know this part doesn't seem like a kicker, but lets get back to the analogy. So you find out that you Son is going to die...but not of cancer or a car accident...but for mankind. MANKIND...selfish, arrogant, sinful, perverted mankind. Your ONE AND ONLY son is going to die for your neighbor who beats his wife, for the rapist, for the son who killed his parents, so that they can be saved... Think about it...how much love is that that God, who is perfect, would send his Son, Jesus, whom is also perfect, to pay for our sins? 1 John 4:10-12 puts it like this "In this is love, NOT that we have loved God BUT that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." The best part about God's love for us is that it is not conditional. As we see in 1 John it says "NOT that we loved God, BUT that he loved us". God loved us and sent His Son to pay for my sins...all of them ...and that was not dependent on my loving Him. He did it for me and for you because He loves us and wanted to. I had these two friends who are now getting married, but before they started dating, the one would do little things for her. One instance that I remember is he asked her if she wanted something to drink and she asked for tea...being a guy, he didn't really know how to make hot tea...but he did it and he did simple little things for her because he wanted to...not because she made him. I thought about it and realized that I wanted a man who was like that and did things like that for me and as I look back on it, I realize, I do...except in a greater scheme of things. My God, whom loves me even when I stray away, sent his son for me so that I can live. He has given me this gift because he wanted to. How great a love I have in Christ Jesus my Savior. So "in this is love, NOT that we have loved God BUT that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" when we can start to grasp this reality is when I think we can start to REALLY love other... a different love than our love for pizza". We are sinful creatures who deserve nothing but Hell, yet the Loving God sent his Son, Jesus, to die so that we may have life in Him. We are now to show that love that Christ has for us to others. We are to love them more than we love ourselves...and we all know that's a lot. It all boils down to this "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39). Love God and then you can truly Love others.

Afflicted in every way, but not crushed"

2008-02-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like the Rascal Flatts song "winner at a losing game"? The lyrics are so the story of my life... "have you ever had to love some one that just don't feel the same? Trying to make some one care for you, the way I do is like trying to catch the rain...if love is really forever I am winner at a losing game". It's so hard to love someone when it's only a one way love, but it's way too hard to stop... I know I will find someone who God will place in my life and it will be a two way street love, but for now...my heart is breaking even more every day for this person...and yet I believe it is causing me to turn to God more and realize more and more that the love I need to cherish is His and His alone...atleast for now until he places someone into my life that I can love and be loved by. The story of Ruth is SO amazing to me because Boaz sees her and takes her in...He truly loves her and she lets him love her...I love when Naomi tells Ruth "Blessed be the man that took notice of you" (Ruth 2:19) and although I am talking it a little out of it's context...that's how I am feeling... blessed be the man that takes notice of me :) He will come along and I don't want a man that doesn't want me...although at this moment I still do! Anyways...through out all this my God is Faithful and I know good will come...be what may!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken;struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

For when I am weak, then I am strong

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Finally I can see you crystal clear...

Contentment

Proverbs 31

Letters of love

Doreen Woodbridge

Identity Theft

This weakness I feel, I must finally show...

How well do you know me?

Wretched [wo]man that I am!

For the first time

Dancing in the Minefields

Blessed Beyond Belief :)

:) I am blessed :)

Happy New Year

I'm Giving it my ALL!

Sleepless nights, random thoughts and a Merry Christmas

Life is an Adventure!

Raindrops in the Night

Giving Up

Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered!

Prayer and Luther

This is for all the hopeless romantics out there :)

I have quit my acting career!

Give me one pure and holy passion

Trust

Psalm 9:10

Psalm 13:5

Psalm 31:14

Psalm 37:5

P.s. I thought I loved you

I don't say this enough...

So we do NOT lose heart!

Sooner or Later...You're gonna wish you had me!

Ramblings from Life to Prophesy to Esther =)

Romans...

Faith

Broken

..Thought From My Day...

Seven Pounds

Random thoughts...

Like A Mist

Rambling slash Raw Emotions part 2

Lost- My Raw Emotions

Homesick

Belize update and more

Inspiration...When I Should Be Studying For Finals =)

For Ashley :)

Give Thanks to the Lord for He is Good! His Love Endures FOREVER!

Random thoughts :)

"Show Me What I'm Looking For"

Passage of the Day

Denial

The hardest part is letting go...

From The Depths of Woe

The fullness of Your grace is here with me...

What if?

KNOWing God...not just about Him

You're Beautiful!

Grace extends to more....

Life is Precious...

What a Beautiful Mess

WOW...part 2

WOW...about all I can say or think to title it!

Seriously?! :)

September air :)

Fire and Rain

A prayer answered :)

I don't want a circumstantial Joy

New School, New Attitude :)

Hmmm...

Do I have a sign on my forehead? (Part 2)

Do I have a sign on my forehead?

Better Than My Dreams... :)

This Ones for the Girls!

A breather from the serious topics :)

Conviction

We are far too easily pleased...

Thank you, heartbreak for life!